Novinhas Do Zap Zap

NovinhasDoZapZap (aka Novinhas Do WhatsApp)! Brazil was discovered by the Portuguese explorer Duarte Pacheco Pereira in 1498. Prior to that date, it was inhabited only by native peoples, who, due to the fact that their entire culture was wiped out by disease and genocide, left few enough historical traces that I can’t be bothered to learn about them.For the next five hundred or so years, very little happened in Brazil that I care about. Until, just a few years ago, the website called Novinhas do ZapZap was founded. This true milestone in Brazilian history finally gave a place for Brazilian perverts to upload the pictures and videos of novinhas (Portugese for young girls) that they were sent on ZapZap (the Brazilian nickname for WhatsApp) for the enjoyment of a worldwide audience. A brief look at the length of the Wikipedia article on the History of Brazil wastes page upon page discussing other events and shockingly lacks to notice this momentous occasion, but you and I both know that this is the kind of stuff that really matters.

Avoiding The White Van

If you’re like me and you’re constantly freaking out about whether or not your porn viewing habits, which always border the line between legal and illegal, are going to trigger an FBI raid, you might get a little bit scared when you open up Novinhas do ZapZap. Sure, the girls on the site look a little young, but that’s to be expected on any teen porn site. One normally assumes, since the owners of the site also probably don’t want to get ass-raped in prison, that some due diligence has been done to ensure that all the girls are of legal age. But that presumption is called into question when you look at the navigation bar and notice that the second tab is called “Pedofila.” Now, I don’t speak Portuguese, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they might mean by that.Still, due to my curiousity (and nothing else, Mr. FBI Agent), I clicked on it anyways. After a brief visit back to Google Translate, I can confirm (happily, since I didn’t have my VPN on before clicking) that this is not a link to underage porn, but rather a disclaimer against submitting girls of questionable age, as well as a statement that the site does as much as possible to verify the age of the girls.It also does, of course, say that they’ll remove content upon receipt of any valid claims that the girls are underage (or that they did not willingly consent to the posting). In my mind, this means two things. One, that the creator of the site somehow believes that any of the girls on Novinhas do ZapZap are aware of the fact that their pics were leaked, and, secondly, that there are definitely, one hundred percent, some underage pictures that snuck by. Take that however you will—if you want to avoid the site for that reason, I commend you, and if you want to pay extra attention to any new upload, I’ll keep your secret if you keep mine.

Browsing The Favelas

Novinhas do ZapZap has a blog-style layout, but there is a way to narrow down the content. To start, go back to the home page, and either click the arrows just below the navigation bar to switch between “Destaques (in English, “Highlights”), or, if you want to view every post chronologically, look just below that and start scrolling through.Ignore everything on the left. It’s hard to tell, mostly because these parts of the site can’t be machine-translated, but everything here is an ad for another site. Some of them are for porn sites, and some of them are even for porn sites run by incredibly successful, attractive, and important men (hi, PornDude!), but none of them are links to site content.Moving back to the porn, your only other option is to switch through the categories located up top. Most of them make sense, and I’ll discuss those that don’t later, but the real issue is that there is no sufficient way to sort through the content within categories. You only get seven real categories, plus one hidden advertisement (under “Porno Brasil) and one extra special bonus one—try clicking on Top Latin Porn Sites. This might be enough if you could do something with the videos once you got in—like filter them further, or sort by view count or popularity. But instead, you’re stuck with the same most-to-least recent post view that you had on the main page.There is a search function, but it’s hampered by two problems. One is that there aren’t any tags, and the descriptions are usually pretty short, so there isn’t a lot of text to parse through. The second might be a personal problem rather than one with the site, but I’m going to blame it on the site anyways. The search function searches the original Portuguese, rather than the translated text. So unless you speak Portuguese, or if you get lucky and the words you’re typing happen to be the same in both languages, you won’t find a thing.

Trying To Communicate

Aside from the advertisements and limited sorting tools, the only real issue I have with Novinhas do ZapZap are the problems that come with the language barrier. If you can read Portuguese, ignore this whole section, but for the rest of us average red-blooded Americans who didn’t know until googling Brazil that Brazilians don’t speak Spanish and who have no desire to learn any language aside from Murican, read on.Google Translate’s automatic site translation tool does an admirable job making sense of the site, but it doesn’t bring things anywhere close to total readability. For one, it only translates typed text, not any words that are contained in images. For the most part, this isn’t a major issue, since most of the words fall under the former style, but it does cause a few problems.The categories, for the most part, come across well enough to be understood, but two aren’t quite self-explanatory and one completely fails to be translated at all. “Fell On The Net,” from the Portuguese “Caiu Na Net”, to my understanding, refers to leaked views. Yes, I’m aware that Novinhas do ZapZap claims that the site removes all unknowingly leaked videos, and I’m aware that the existence of a category specifically for those videos contradicts that directly but… this section is hot as fuck, so I’m not raising any complaints.Next up is what the English translation refers to perplexingly as “Bumps,” their attempt at translating the Portuguese word “Flagras.” A more accurate translation would probably be “Catches,” as in, women that wouldn’t ever consider speaking to your average, three-inch dicked ThePornGeek, but would consider only high-quality mates like ThePornDude. But, since Novinhas do ZapZap doesn’t discriminate, guys like us can enjoy them, too.The category that Google Translate completely neglects to even attempt to translate is “Brasileirinha,” which, this time around, simply means “Brazilian women.” This incredibly generic category, especially when you consider the site its on, isn’t the most useful, since most of the girls on Novinhas do ZapZap are Brazilian regardless of category. But, if for whatever reason you’re not into the non-Brazilian minority that occasionally shows up in the other categories, I guess you can stick to Brasileirinha.There are also a few mistranslations. I know this not because of linguistic talent, but because my decades of porn experience have led me to know what to expect on a porn site. These are mostly, from what I can tell, slang terms that don’t translate literally or easily into English. A video titled “VIP Tigress has no limits,” for example, doesn’t involve beastiality, but rather seems to refer to a slutty woman. I’m not sure what they tried to mean with the title “Sitting Angry On Cock,” but I can tell you that after several repeated viewings, nobody in that video was close to angry.That being said, none of these issues ruin the site. Between trial and error and Google Translate, you can get by well enough. And even if you can’t figure something out, just click around and enjoy yourself. You might not know exactly what you’re looking at, but every category involves tits, ass, and pussy, so it’s pretty hard to go wrong.