Adam & Eve adult store! According to the priest with a very nice and tasty penis that taught me everything that I know about religion when I was a child, Adam and Eve were the first man and woman to ever live on Earth. After they were forever spoiled by original sin due to the irresistibility of apples (I’ve never thought it made sense, either), they fucked and began a line of incest that, thousands of years later, has lead to the pair being the ultimate ancestor to every human being that has ever lived.Adam and Eve also gave their name to what is basically the ultimate ancestor of online sex shops—AdamEve.com. The company actually predates the internet, having been around for almost fifty years as a brick and mortar retailer, but they started to grow into the leviathan that they are today by jumping on the online sex-shop train early.In the years prior they were famous as a mail-order adult store, and tey took advantage of that infrastructure when the online revolution came to make themselves a forerunner of delivering debauchery to socially awkward deviants like myself who prefer to buy their devices from the comfort of their home. And oh my God, I’m so glad that they did, because the sex toy landscape just wouldn’t be the same without them.Oh, shit. I took the Lord’s name in vain. I’d better go over to the preacher’s house and apologize… I hope I can still suck good enough to wash away my sins.
In The Garden Of Eden
Adam & Eve sells more than the basic stuff that you can get at just about any sex shop. Yes, they stock realistic fake dicks, things that go buzz, and flared objects to shove up your butthole, but they’ve also got things like strap-ons, penis pumps, nipple toys, clit vacuums, lubes, and more. They even stock the famous Clone-A-Willy kit, which lets you dip your dick into a mold to make a rubber replica of your penis.I don’t think I’m going to buy one, though. Mine might be average, measuring a totally respectable three and a half inches (if you include the balls), but I prefer my dildos to be a bit bigger. Like, PornDude sized.I mean… I prefer the dildos that I use on my harem of women to be that big. I would never actually use one on myself, nope. I own all these for using on hot babes. Or for research. Whichever one of those is more believable.Assuming that, like myself, you don’t like sticking dick-like objects up your butt, Adam & Eve also carries a whole bunch of male masturbators, from replicas of the various parts of human anatomy that matter most (the butthole, the pussyhole, and the mouthhole), to space-age fuck-holes that look more like flashlights, eggs, or that thing from that dream I had about an alien whose only purpose on earth was to provide pleasure.If you’re like those visitors my mommy always has, or if you’re some lucky bastard who has an active sex life because they’re as hot as ThePornDude, Adam & Eve also carries a bunch of couples’ toys and other items that can be used in a healthy, active sex life—as if anyone reading this has one of those.Pretty much everything that can be found at Adam & Eve can be found elsewhere, but not all in one place, and not with this much variety. They sell more types of lube and condoms than Walmart, more types of lingerie than Victoria’s Secret, and more interesting board games than your local game store. I bet the people who play these types of games have to wear deodorant, though, so I think I’ll stick to spending my Friday nights at the board game dungeon with the nerds.
Free Gifts And Free Shipping
When you’re at a sketchy back-alley adult store, there isn’t much for you to base your purchase on. You can try to evaluate the product packaging, or, if you’re brave, speak to an actual human being to ask them about the product, but in both cases they’re probably just going to lie to you and tell you that whatever you’re asking about will make your dick cry in pleasure and change your life, because they are much more interested than taking your money and having you leave the store immediately than they are in whether or not you actually enjoy yourself.
Since there isn’t a used market to resell sex toys (even after you clean off the stains, much to my dismay), the reviews on Adam & Eve are a godsend. Without actually hearing from people who have used sex toys, choosing between them would be like choosing a girl on Tinder without being able to see her picture—except in this case, the toys can’t say no.Without reviews, basically any sex toy in any category looks nearly identical. They might be a different size, shape, or color, but in the end, you can’t really tell which one is going to get the job done without trying them out yourself. And as much as I would love to stick every twelve-inch black dildo up my butthole in the name of science, I can’t afford to do that, and even if I could, I’d like to remain in control of my bowels. So, as the next best alternative, I trust the reviews on Adam & Eve. They might not be as personalized as testing everything myself, but we can’t always get what we want.
A Happy Ending
Adam & Eve ups the ante compared to other online sex shops in a few ways. First and foremost is their unique money-back guarantee—I’m fairly sure that they don’t reuse them (unfortunately), but Adam & Eve does let you return any toy that doesn’t meet your standards within ninety days. They offer replacements, store credit, and even your money back—I’ll never consider spending my money on anything other than masturbating, but if you’re not quite as obsessed as I am, this flexibility might matter to you.They even offer lifetime warranties against manufacturers defects. This won’t cover misuse or expected wear and tear, so don’t think this gives you license to abuse your fake dicks until they fall apart, but if something stops working before it’s time, Adam & Eve will give you a new one for free.Shipping is free if you spend over fifty-nine dollars. Even if you’re under that barrier, it’s pretty cheap, but it’s always nice to have a goal to shoot for that you can use to justify spending sixty dollars on porn. And, as the cherry on top, they even throw in a little free gift for any purchase over seventeen dollars—usually a DVD or a little sex toy, but I’ve never been one to turn my nose up for free anything, especially if its something that’s going to help me cum.
Hiding your Hedonism
Buying sex toys shouldn’t be shameful. If I want to replace human interaction with a three-hundred dollar motorized life-like replica of a vagina, that’s my god given right, and I shouldn’t be made fun of for doing it. But the world isn’t how it should be, and people judge me when I tell them I spend more on sex toys than most people spend on rent.Adam & Eve understands that, so they package their sex toys as discreetly as possible. Everything is shipped in plain brown boxes or envelopes, and the only way anyone would ever know what was inside them is if they recognized the return address. I’m sure the mailman has shipped enough stuff from Adam & Eve that they’ve got me figured out, but just about anyone else who doesn’t order from them as often as I do should be none the wiser.Their billing is discreet, too—my order showed up on my (mommy’s) credit card bill as Adam Mail, which might sound like a mail-order groom service, but certainly doesn’t point towards an order of sex toys. Adam & Eve also claims that they’ve got all of their customer data protected by state-of-the-art security protocols, ensuring that in the event of an inevitable leak, my name doesn’t show up on a list alongside all of the other weirdos who own a collection of disembodied holes to cum into.