TheClassicPorn

The Classic Porn! I miss the past. It was a simpler time. When men were men, women were women, and minorities were forced to accept their inferiority, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary (i.e. my very own existence).

It truly was a better time. I often dream of living in the 50s, coming home to my wife and kids, swinging open the white picket fence before sitting down to a nice hot meatloaf followed by a fresh-baked apple pie, then going for a swim outback, followed by some duty sex that borders on marital rape before falling asleep, happy and content in the fact that I got mine and what the rest of the world is dealing with doesn’t matter.

But instead, I’ve been cursed to live in the present. Sure, equality has made some steps, but at what cost? I deserve more than spending my time with a bag of chips and a bottle of lube, jerking myself off to fantasies of a more civilized age, don’t I?
Don’t answer that. I don’t want to break the fantasy. I want to live in contentment with my misguided belief that my problems aren’t because of anything to do with my own failures, but are a result of the society I live in.

I want to go deeper, actually. Which is why I love The Classic Porn. I can sit by the fire, grab a cigar, and masturbate to men and women who look like my parents, except even more attractive.

A Blast From The Past

Even though the content on The Classic Porn is vintage, the design of the site itself certainly isn’t. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that it’s cutting-edge. I’ve been on many sites with features that are far, far behind what’s available here.

The first thing you’ll see when you sign in is a listing of the most popular films that are being viewed on the site today. With each one, you’ll also get a quick summary of the credits—the director, actresses, and actors—as well as the title, date, and cover image.

Below that you’ll get the most recently added films, which, unless you’ve really tapped out the site on a day-long masturbating binge and you’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel (don’t worry, I’ve been there too), I don’t really recommend. Instead, I’d suggest browsing through the sidebar—skip the categories for now (I’ll get to that later), and go down a bit to the top videos of all time. If you’re new to classic porn, treat this section like a crash course, and eventually you’ll be as cool, cultured, and covered in cum as I am.

There’s also a useful section showing the top pornstars and even one that splits films up by countries. But, once you’ve seen the best of the best, I suggest heading back up to the top of the page to discover one of the sites killer features—the extensive and comprehensive tag system.

The Classic Porn features a good balance of tags, letting you narrow down on the content you like without having so many options that you get overwhelmed. Then, once you’re in any given tag, you can filter the content by country, language, and release date as well as sort by popularity, rating, or upload date.

What really separates these tags from the competition is how detailed they get. Not only do you have so many to choose from, but they’re actually categorized for each and every actress in every single film. So, not only will you be able to jump to films showing facials, if that’s your preference, but you can even make sure that your favorite girl of all time is getting a nice big load on her face within that film.

My only real complaint is that many films don’t take advantage of all of these features. The new uploads especially seem to be missing some of the information—it seems like what they do is upload them as soon as they’re available, and then go back later to fill in all of the details. I get that they want to get the content to us as fast as possible, but I prefer quality over quantity. Scrolling through the recent uploads gives you close to none of the information I just talked about—and when all you have to go on is a title and a VHS cover, it’s really hard to find something to masturbate to.

Well, that’s a lie. The videos are all hot as hell, so it’s really not that big of an inconvenience. A blind monkey could choose a video from The Classic Porn, and I’d still be able to beat off to it. But if you’re more discriminating than I am, you might want to know that their tags and metadata aren’t consistently applied, so I’ll let you know anyways, even though it doesn’t really ruin my experience with the site.

How Long Will It Last?

The Classic Porn quantifies the sheer magnitude of their catalog in a few ways. They say that they’ve got two-hundred-forty times as many movies as Steven Spielberg direction, ten times as many pornstars as the population of the Vatican (I bet they’re more attractive than the Pope, too), and enough photos to look at one per day for the next thirty-two years.

But they underestimate me. One photo a day is like eating just one chip—it can’t be done, at least by somebody who has my total lack of discipline and self-control. But even at a more realistic rate, The Classic Porn really does have a nearly unlimited about of content.
More realistically, I would say that there is about ten years of porn available on The Classic Porn, to your average virginal consumer like myself. That would give you two full-length DVDs and about three photos a day. Everyone else spends multiple hours a day, three-hundred sixty-five days a year masturbating too, right?

Don’t answer that either. Ignorance is bliss. Even though I’m sure it’s not true, I don’t like having my beliefs questioned. As long as I pretend that everyone else is a lonely virgin too, I can keep the façade of normalcy alive.

Though now that I think about it, that’s an underestimation. New videos are uploaded practically every single day, and sometimes even more than one will show up. Readjusting my calculations to take this into account would mean that I’ll practically need to double my porn-viewing time to keep on top of things. It’s hard work, but somebody has to do it.

Buying A Ticket To The Museum

You can browse the full catalog of The Classic Porn for free, and even watch trailers—which, on most sites, wouldn’t be much of a selling point, but they’re actually as long as ten minutes on occasion, so if you’re a quick shooter you may be able to bust a nut to them sometimes.
Alongside the videos, you’ll get a little bit of bonus content: I can’t quite figure out who this appeals to, but the top-billed feature that The Classic Porn shows off as coming with a membership is a full detailed bio and filmography of each pornstar. I guess if you’re doing a school project or something and you’re not allowed to use Wikipedia this might come in handy, but I think the real attraction for most people is being able to watch the thousands upon thousands of videos from the past half-century.

But if you’re looking for the full feature-length films, you’ll have to open your wallet. Thankfully, The Classic Porn is relatively affordable—their one-day trial (which includes every feature the site offers, including the ability to download videos) only costs a buck, and if you sign up for a year at a time you’ll only be paying a bit over eight dollars a month, which is one of the cheapest sites in porn, especially when you consider the fact that the site has almost five thousand videos and daily updates.

The value does sort of fall apart on the other subscription options, though. A single month will cost you a whopping thirty-five big ones, and even a three-month commitment will cost about twenty dollars a month. For this reason, I’d suggest either dipping your toes in the water for a dollar or going all in and committing to the full year. That being said, the only real alternative to The Classic Porn is masturbating in a time machine, and until that’s affordable and accessible to the common man, even the most expensive option really isn’t unfair.