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PornHub Premium
PornHub is comforting. It’s an old blanket that’s kept me warm through the loneliest nights. It’s a cup of hot chocolate brought in by mommy at the end of a freezing winter day. It’s the fireplace that warms my toes as I sit in an old leather armchair with my laptop, masturbating to Pornhub.
Recursive metaphors aside, PornHub has always held a special place in my heart. If I’m in the mood for good porn above all else, without specifically desiring any niche, PornHub is always my first destination. Their content is unmatched in both quantity and quality, so it’s often the beginning and the end of my plans for Friday night.
Well, that’s not strictly true. There is one site that beats PornHub, though I’m not really sure if it counts as a different site despite the fact that it’s got its own unique URL. The new reigning champion is actually PornHub itself, in the form of its premium service cleverly titled PornHub Premium.
But why pay money for something that I’m already getting for free, you might ask? Read on and find out, my impatient young reader.
Premium Content Deserves Premium Presentation
I know PornHub like the back of my hand. That’s probably because I see so much of the back of my hand when I’m on PornHub, but I digress. PornHub Premium has all of the perfect design and functionality that the regular site has, with a few improvements added on for good measure. PornHub Premium’s design is utilitarian above all else. It’s by no means ugly, but the focus is on function before form. It’s like a girl with a tight pussy, big ass, and juicy tits with an ugly face. You can always just close your eyes and enjoy the fun bits while ignoring the fact that she’s not beautiful. At least, I assume that’s how sex with a human female works. On most sections of the site, the focus is on arrays of videos. If you mouse over the videos you’ll see short video previews, and then when you click through the porn will play automatically. You can change to fast-forward to skip the boring parts, watch the video in slow motion to savor the best bits, and even click through to tagged hot-spots on certain videos to jump to your favorite parts. You can change the quality and download videos, too. Pretty much anything you’d expect of a porn site is available for you. With PornHub Premium, the big addition are channels. These are listings of videos from big studios and popular pornstars. Once you enter a channel, you’re back to the good old faithful PornHub video selection screen, with all of the filtering, sorting, and viewing features that come along with it. Another thing that PornHub Premium adds on is a lot of VR porn. I’d never tried this before, but as soon as I saw that they had these videos I ran out to Wal-Mart and picked up a cheap set of goggles. I want to go into detail about how absolutely fantastic these videos are, but it’s really hard to type while your entire field of vision is blocked by people having sex, and I can’t seem to take the goggles off. All of PornHub Premium’s features work just as well on your mobile phone. In fact, with the addition of all of this VR content, this basically means that you never have to stop watching porn. I’ve been thinking about investing in a seeing-eye dog so that I can keep my VR goggles on and spend my entire life on PornHub Premium. If I tell people that I’m blind, they won’t be able to stop me from masturbating in public, right?Walking In A Porno Wonderland
As a very wise man once said, with great power comes great responsibility. There’s a lot of content available on PornHub Premium, but without the tools to properly wield such a gift one can easily become overwhelmed and lost. Thankfully, PornHub Premium gives you plenty of control over your masturbation experience. You’ll get all of the same tagging and filtering capabilities as the main PornHub site has. You can narrow down everything PornHub Premium has to offer through close to a hundred different categories ranging from your standards like “Amateur,” “Anal,” and “Big Tits,” to fetish stuff like “Bondage” and “Cuckold,” to what is probably the most unique porn category I’ve ever seen “Closed Captions.” Mommy always says that I’m going to go deaf with how loud I listen to my porn, so that might come in handy someday. I’m certainly not going to turn down the volume, the moans and screams are too important of a part of the experience to me, so when the inevitable deafness kicks in at least I’ll have a few hundred PornHub Premium videos to read along to. By adding different tags and categories together, I’m able to use PornHub premium to really efficiently jump to exactly what I’m looking for. There was one experience in my childhood that I really wanted to recreate, so I put together “Babysitter,” “Amateur,” “Old/Young,” and “Anal.” My therapist says that this was a traumatizing formative experience that I really need to delve into deeper if I want to get my life out of the gutter, but I don’t agree with her. I think it’s just fun to masturbate to. I always cry after, but that’s not that different from a normal day. The only problem is that the videos I find aren’t quite right—it’s always the babysitter getting fucked in the ass, and never the other way around. Hmm. Back to the drawing board, I guess, I’m sure some combination of tags will help me find something closer to what happened to me on that dark and stormy night.The Best Value In Porn
I’m going to be blunt. If you only pay for one porn site, it should be PornHub Premium. I know that I’ve waxed poetic about its praises throughout this review, but let me recap things for you. You get literally thousands of new videos every day, and almost every single one is high-definition fapworthy material. Even if you have to spend your entire life in a locked room with nothing to do but jerk off solely to videos on PornHub Premium, you’ll never run out of content. That’s actually a scenario based on a dream I had. It was called "the masturbatorium" and the only visitor allowed was a nude mommy with plates of snacks and bottles of soda. I think one day I’m going to ask her to make my fantasy a reality. But I’m getting side-tracked. Ahem. PornHub Premium. What else? It’s got every single one of the fantastic features that normal PornHub has, just with more and better content. It has not only 1080p HD, but 1440p and 4k. It’s as close to sex as you and I will ever get (unless you’re reading this, PornDude). On top of all of that, you get full-length videos from hundreds of different sites. You’ve got the big boys like Brazzers, Team Skeet, and Reality Kings, the gonzo amateur-style stuff like Girls Do Porn and Fake Taxi, and the sites that I’m absolutely in love with for a reason I can’t quite figure out like My Family Pies, Moms Teach Sex, and Moms Bang Teens. Plus literally hundreds more, each of which on its own normally charges ten, twenty, thirty, or even more dollars each month. Oh, and on top of that, you get access to premium sections for individual pornstars, leaving you with thousands of exclusive channels. I tried to get a complete count for you guys, but I kept getting distracted by the porn. I may never get to the end of the list, but rest assured that there’s enough content to last you a life-time. And how much does PornHub Premium ask for in exchange for this buffet of masturbatory bliss? A mere ten dollars a month. The cost of a couple of value meals at McDonald’s and less than the cost of almost any one of the hundreds of producers sits that PornHub Premium gives you access to. It’s so cheap that I hardly noticed a dent in my allowance when I signed up. It’s so good that I’m going to give up looking for actual women to have sex with. Or at least that’s what I’m going to tell myself with the depression kicks in. It’s always good to have a way to justify your failures to yourself.- Extensive content library to cater diverse tastes.
- No more annoying ads to kill the mood.
- Full-length scenes directly from professional creators.
- Well-designed, easy-to-navigate website.
- An adult platform where fantasies are celebrated.
- My VR-in-public experiment resulted in a short stay in the county jail
- Initial overwhelming feel due to abundance of content.
- Requires a paid subscription.
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