If you have been keeping up with my reviews for a while now, then chances are you already know that I am a virgin. And that I am nearing 40 years old. And that I still live with my mom. And that I am ugly as sin, with pockmarks and acne sprayed across my face like the result of a nasty money shot. And that I probably never will get laid because I am too much of a wuss to talk to girls (especially the attractive ones).And I appreciate the fact that you accept me for who I am. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you, too, have never known the pleasures of being inside of a breathing, living woman’s vagina. Well, not since birth anyways. Maybe you also feel as if you never will. Perhaps you suffer from crippling social anxiety as I do. Maybe you also live in your mom’s basement. It is possible that you even have a body pillow girlfriend like I do (and if you don’t, but we have those other things in common, I highly recommend getting one … it will change your life forever!).We cannot all be like my hero, The Porn Dude. He’s so suave and cool. A true lady’s man. I bet he has never once had issues talking to girls. He was probably born smooth-talking the nurse. I have always wanted to be a cool guy like that … but, alas, it just is not in the cards for me. I was destined, it would seem, to be stuck in my mom’s basement forever, sexless and growing more sexually frustrated by the day. Some people are just born confident, chick magnets, and naturally awesome like The Porn Dude. Others are born to drink Mountain Dew and alternate between fapping and playing World of Warcraft every day until death eventually steps in to put them out of their misery.
A Few Saving GracesBut, hey, it’s not all bad. At least we have our porn, right? I don’t know what I would do without it. I probably would have gone crazy a long, long time ago. Chances are, if it weren’t for porn, I would have ended up one of those mass shooters you see on the news all the time. Huh, it makes you wonder. Maybe all they really needed was the right porn site. So, if you are having violent thoughts, just read my reviews and find the perfect porn site for yourself instead! Shoot loads, not people!The urge to have real sex with someone that isn’t a body pillow for once, though, is sometimes overwhelming. I mean, it’s a natural human need. It’s a biological necessity, to have sex. And I can feel it in my bones sometimes. Like a slowly building ache. A very dull bandsaw spinning around my insides. But every day it grows sharper. And one of these days, I am not going to be able to take it anymore. And I may have to finally bite the bullet and order me an escort. To get the poison out. The poison that has burned within me for the last 37 years. Gosh, I bet that I would probably be her quickest client of all time. Hey, that could be kind of nice. To be number one in something for a change. Even if it is the number one fastest nut buster.Heck, maybe the day has come. Maybe today will be the day that I finally nut up and build up the confidence to buy me an escort for a little while. Gosh, I get oh so nervous just thinking about it. Where would I have her come? I obviously can’t just tell her to come over to my mom’s house. I guess I would have to get a hotel room. But that seems like an awful lot of hassle for something that will only take around 30 seconds to be over with. I don’t know, I guess I can work out the finer details later.First, though, I have to find a good website on which I can find a lady of the night. And there are tons of them to choose from. There are plenty of escort ad and escort index sites out there to check out. And, as is the case with any site, not all of them are created equal. Some have definite flaws, like a lack of photos, no verification system in place, tons of fake posts, etc. So, there are a lot of potential pitfalls to look for when analyzing an escort ad site. Especially since you are actually meeting up with someone, so your safety (and money) are also on the line. Which is why it is more important, perhaps, than it is with any porn related site on the web that you choose the right escort ad index site.
Upscale Site DesignThe one I’ll be taking a look at today is called Humpchies. What a fun name, am I right? Humpchies. I like it when a site doesn’t seem to be taking itself too seriously. And with a silly name like that, I think Humpchies will likely fall into that category. But a quick glance at the site itself will show that they are not playing games. They mean business. As do the escorts who have posted their services on the site. So, let’s delve in and take a look, shall we?Humpchies, an escort ad site made specifically for Canadians, has an attractive, minimalist, and sleek site design to it. It’s simple. Elegant, you might say. With just a black background supporting an orange text, you can’t go wrong. Plus, it is organized in a way that makes sense and is not cluttered or hard on the eyes in any way. At the top of the page, you have a site menu bar, which allows you to browse the site by clicking on Escorts, Agencies, Erotic Massages, Parlor Massage, Mature, Anal, Cream Pie, Independent, Blow Job, MILF, Swallow, Asian, BBW, Latina, Fountain, Domination, Pipe, or Big Tits. I love that everything is laid out for you the moment you arrive on the site. This way you don’t have to waste any time at all trying to browse through all the girls for exactly what it is that you’re looking for.Below that, you’ll find the ads. Again, no wasted time. No BS. Just BJs. To the right of the ads, you can also browse by city, with a sprawling list of locales to choose from. There is the occasional ad that breaks up the lovely site design here and there. But they are not too invasive or frequent. If ever there was a classy way to advertise, it would appear as if Humpchies had figured it out. Plus, they are ads for sites that relate to this one, like Eros, for example (another escort ad site), so it doesn’t feel too out of place to begin with.
All the Info You Need (Mostly)When you click into a girl’s page, you will notice that Humpchies is generally pretty good about featuring escorts who have included all relevant information, as well as a sizeable number of pics so you know just what you’re getting yourself into. Girls’ phone numbers, mobility, and location will always be listed. I do kind of wish that Humpchies made it a requirement for posters to include prices as well, but I’m sure they have their reasons for not doing that. Plus, if you are serious about getting an escort, then I’m sure it won’t be too much work to give the girl a call or drop her a text in order to inquire into her pricing.
Have Fun, Be Safe, and Wrap it Up!As far as how attractive the ladies tend to be … well, that depends almost entirely on your location. Some cities just have a higher density of hot chicks in them than others do. Which, obviously has multiple factors, such as population size and culture, but we won’t get into all that right now. All you have to know is that it does seem like Humpchies, on the whole, attracts attractive women. Generally speaking, the girls seem to be of a certain class, and that class is high. These ladies are not your average street skulking hookers, I can tell you that much!As always, when you are considering ordering an escort … be careful! Especially if prostitution is illegal where you live. Cops often pose undercover as escorts online to lure men into handcuffs (got to reach those arrest quotas somehow, am I right?). So, just be discerning and look out for any suspicious behavior.All in all, though, Humpchies (often misspelled as "humchies") seems like a great site to find an escort. I, however, do not think I will be mustering up the courage to do it tonight. Maybe another night. But if I do ever build up the confidence to order an escort, I think I will return to Humpchies to do so!