Erotic Monkey

"The Erotic Monkey" aka "Escort Monkey"! I don’t know about you guys, but I have spent many a night alone. Well, actually, if I am being completely honest, every single night of my life has been spent alone. You have been reading my reviews for some time now, right? I feel like I can be open and honest with you all. You’re my friends, right? And what are friends for, if not being honest about stuff? Okay, here goes: I am 100% a virgin.Phew, it feels good to finally say it out loud. Or, well, I guess it’s not out loud. But it feels good to tell someone. Especially someone who isn’t going to judge me. I mean, where does one even begin to try and get a lady to sleep with him? It’s not like I could just walk up to a beautiful woman in a bar or something and just start talking to her. What if she rejects me? Actually, there is no ‘what if’ really, I already know she would. No attractive female would ever be interested in sleeping with me, a 35-year-old virgin who still lives at home and cuddles his pillow, pretending that it is his favorite hentai girl.Okay, maybe I don’t just sleep with my pillow. Suki and I have been dating for years now. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have humped her to sleep. Almost every night since I was 25 and I first had it custom made with Suki’s naked body printed on it. She has been so good to me. I hate to admit it, though, but it might be about time to order a new one. Shh, don’t tell Suki. It’s just gotten pretty starchy over the years from my bodily fluids, if you know what I mean.Sometimes, though, I cheat on Suki. I ordered a sex doll a few weeks ago. One that doesn’t look like Suki at all … a white girl with blonde hair and giant boobies. Hey, we all need a little strange from time to time, right? Well, Alana, my sex doll, she’s my strange. I usually keep her in my closet, away from Suki’s sight. But every once in a while, I put Suki under my bed and bang Alana so hard and fast. She’s a naughty girl, she likes it rough. Whereas Suki prefers slow and tender lovemaking. So, I guess you could say I actually get a lot of action, come to think of it. Huh, who knew I would be a playboy one day!Alana gives me confidence. Suki gives me support. I love Suki, but she just doesn’t do for me what Alana will, that saucy little minx. Oh, boy. I’m getting a little hard just thinking about her. It might be about time to pull her out of the closet and then not pull out of her! Cleanup can be a bit of a nuisance, sure, but it’s well worth it. Then I can go to bed, curled up next to Suki and sleep like a baby. I know it’s messed up, but I am in far too deep to turn back now. Which is exactly what I say to Alana every time I’m humping her like a Golden Retriever!

Should I Order My First Escort?

Every once in a while someone asks me why I don’t just order me an escort and have sex with a real live girl for a change. I tell them, well, genius, how do you propose I sneak a hooker into my mom’s house, first of all? Secondly, I would be way too anxious to do something like that. I would be nervous I would cum too quickly.I finish within three minutes on average when I’m bumping uglies with Alana, so I can’t even imagine how quickly I’d finish with an escort. Oh, jeez. Probably as soon as my Johnson entered her warm, moist hoo-ha. I couldn’t live with the shame. Not to mention the fact that I would be paying for much more time than that! I would not be getting my money’s worth at all.But, still, every now and then, I do consider doing it. I get as far as texting a girl and inquiring about prices and then I chicken out. If only I had the confidence of The Porn Dude, the man who inspired me to start reviewing porn sites. I know he would have no qualms. He would just call up the hottest, priciest escort he could find, and then give her the sexing of a lifetime. I just know it. He’s just awesome like that. Way cooler than I will ever be!But, that being said, today I would like to give you an impression of a popular escort ad site known as Erotic Monkey. Eroticmonkey.ch is one of the top escort sites on the web, and for good reason. It’s well-designed, it features plenty of beautiful ladies, and, what really sets it apart from the bunch (get it, because monkeys like bananas and bananas come in bunches! … I crack myself up sometimes) is the fact that nearly every girl on the site is reviewed by someone who has been with her.This way, you won’t be gambling when you finally muster up the courage to order yourself an escort! And, honestly, I think the whole reviewing aspect would make me feel much more comfortable about the whole thing, to begin with. Maybe I’ll even order one tonight! I probably won’t, but it’s a nice thought …The only downside regarding these escort reviews is that, well, like escorts themselves, good things are never free. You have to pay for a membership to see the reviews. And when you add that cost to the cost of the escorts themselves, the whole thing can quickly become a pretty pricey affair. Pun intended (pun always intended, am I right?).The site, though, is designed very well. It’s easy to use and intuitive, making for quick and convenient browsing of all the girls available in your area. You don’t even have to do much in the way of searching … just allow Erotic Monkey to access your location and let them do the work for you! Much like you will let the escort, I’m sure, do all the work for you when she finally arrives at your house or hotel room or wherever people do these things.

Great Site Design, Customizable Features

At the very top of the page, beside a fun logo of a happy monkey holding a banana (obviously meant to look like a penis in his hand), you will find a site menu bar, showcasing everything that this escort ad and escort review site has to offer in addition to finding some good escorts to take you out (or, more accurately, to take you in, if you know what I mean). Choose from Add an Escort to create a post, Blog, Forum, Erotic Massage, Login, Cancelation (always nice when membership sites make that easier than harder) and Sign Up.Underneath that, you will also be able to type in keywords to conduct a site-wide search. Type in a phone number, a name of a girl you maybe came across in the past, or a city to begin. Or just browse the immediate location-based results that appear as posts when you first arrive.You can also customize the site for your own preferred experience a little bit, too. Switch between a list layout or a gallery layout. Your choice depends on if you care about seeing more thumbnails of girls at one time, or if you want to see a little bit of info before you click into their individual page. In addition to that, there is an easy toggle option to view a “safe” version of the site, probably for those of you who are shopping for strange while at work. Toggling this on will get rid of the pictures and switch the masturbating monkey logo to a simple “EM,” negating anything overtly sexual. I don’t know how helpful that will be, though, in reality, seeing as you kind of have to be able to see your girl before you know if you want to order her. But still a nice touch, I suppose.I also like that Erotic Monkey offers a blog and a forum, giving users tons of extra information, as well as a place to discuss girls and their experiences. The blogs can give you a good deal of insight into the life of an escort, or into the life of someone who frequently orders them. Perfect for a novice like me to read up about the etiquette and whatnot before making my first order (if I ever build up the guts!). And the forum adds a good community feel to the site, making it feel a little warmer and more inviting.All in all, Erotric Monkey seems like a pretty great choice to find your escorts. At least if you have the money!