AnySex

Any Sex! I’m writing this through tears right now because my mom really upset me. She called me a loser and said it’s pathetic that I’m almost 40 and I’ve never had Any Sex. I don’t think it’s fair for her to blame me entirely, since it’s not like I can bring women home when she’s always fingering herself on her mobility scooter and making me rub her bunions. Anyway, I’m going to cheer myself up by flipping her insult on its head. Do you think I’ve never had any sex, mom? Well, what do you think about me shaking my dick at AnySex, you old bitch?

AnySex.com was registered way the fuck back in 1999, but their current incarnation dates back to around 2011. That’s still a ripe old age for a free porn tube, and that longevity helps explain their popularity. They’re pulling more than 30 million visits per month right now, which means I’m in good company, mom! Quit telling me I don’t have any friends!

For Guys Like Me Who Crave Any Sex

The front page of AnySex looks pretty much like any other free sex tube, even if the header screams in all caps that they’re THE BEST SEX TUBE! I ain’t complaining about shit, because the thumbnails laid out across the page are like pornographic bricks in a beautiful wall of smut. There’s an Asian MILF giving head in a shower, a teen with flat tits hooking up with her perverted old teacher, a taboo scene with a big-tittied broad and her stepbrother, and a fucking crazy anal movie where a slut eats whip cream out of her own butthole.

With my ad-blocker running, it’s a pretty clean layout. Besides the simple header and footer, there’s really nothing on the page besides pretty girls in various stages of undress and compromising positions. There aren’t any dick pills getting in the way of the woman with the giant butt plug and army of massive dildos, no horny local singles between me and the BDSM scene featuring a stewardess who gets slammed on a table before going ass-to-mouth.

I got worried I would cum in my pants again before I could even masturbate, but all the choices were so overwhelming. I always wonder if The Porn Dude gets all hung up like this when he’s trying to choose his spank material, but I guess if he did, he’d never have built such an impressive empire. I know he likes teen lesbian orgies, though, which is why this foursome scene featuring pornstar girl scouts caught my eye.

Kicked Out of Webelos, Jerked Off to Girl Scouts

I got a pop-under for Chaturbate when I clicked on the sexy scouts tossing each other’s salads. Annoying, but less annoying than mom yelling into the basement that I need to clean the kitty litter because the ammonia smell was making her see double again. I just put on my headphones and cranked them. I’ve spent a good half hour working up this turgid erection, and I’m not going to lose it before I touch it at least a little bit.

The scene is a preview from a Team Skeet flick, apparently uploaded by the perverts themselves because there’s a quick link to see the whole thing over at the paysite. I already spent my allowance this month on some anime figurines, so I’ll have to settle for the trailer.

It’s only an 8-minute clip, but the resolution is a crisp 720p HD. I guess they’re saving the really high-res version for the paysite, but it looks good enough on my monitor. My sister’s scout meetings as a kid were always terrible affairs where a gaggle of teenage bitches picked on me, and I wonder if the lesbos in this scene would do the same. Fortunately, they’re all preoccupied with tonguing each other’s sweet, hairy twats and puckered bootyholes.

AnySex’s baked-in video player has the standard set of controls, plus speed adjustment settings. As a man with a severe problem with premature ejaculation, I appreciate being able to watch the scene at a faster speed so I can see more lesbian tit play before I pop. Those of you with good stamina like The Porn Dude can witness the girl ejaculations over and over again in slow-motion, savoring each quivering moment.

High-Quality Clips for Quick Lunchbreak Wanks

The big-name, big-budget scenes on AnySex are a little bit of a trade-off. On the one hand, I can watch a hot redhead like Crystal Clark having a dirty lesbian threesome without shelling out the monthly subscription fee for a site like Twistys. On the other hand, I don’t even get a full 10 minutes with the sample and the resolution maxes out at 720p.

Now, ten minutes is way more than enough for me and my hair-trigger jizz explosions, but I know a lot of you appreciate a nice, long wank. That hands-free viewing is going to be a little more difficult here, but at least you can add videos to a list of your favorites for quick, easy access during a marathon pump session.

I did a search for Latina and AnySex came back with the first page of their 9,000 muy Caliente porn scenes featuring spicy mamacitas getting poked and prodded with cock. Weirdly, the site doesn’t let me filter my results in any way. I can’t rearrange them by duration, popularity, or date added like on other tubes sites.

Fortunately, if I choose a porno subgenre from the Categories page, I can filter those results. There are some obvious issues with the tagging on the site since the Latin category only has about 4k movies, but at least I can sort them by Longest. They’ve got a few in this subgenre that clock in at around 13 minutes, which isn’t exactly full-length but at least gives you a couple of extra minutes of pud pulling.

Cranking It To Ebony Lesbian Squirting Orgies

Fuck, I’ve got to talk about these categories for a minute. It’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of Japanese sluts, as my girlfriend can attest. She’s an anime princess body pillow, and while some of you jerks may laugh, she’s been the best companion of my life. The Japanese section of AnySex, with its more than 20,000 free hardcore porno scenes, makes me lust after a real, live, flesh-and-blood Asian girl. I’m sorry, princess, but your cotton innards barely grip my genitals and have been getting stinkier by the day.

All together, they’ve got nearly 100 categories of porno here. I can jerk it to Teens I could never smash when I was one and then move on to the MILFs who won’t give me the time of day now. I can stare at Big Boobs without the corresponding massive, flabby, obese gut rolls that run in my family, and then live vicariously through the Party section. I’ve never been invited to so much as a Star Wars-themed birthday party, let alone the kind of fuckfest you can watch here.

You know, I was suicidally depressed when I started writing this review, and then I felt a little better as I stroked my little nub at brunette facials, blonde foot fetish movies, and a BBW scene that reminded me a lot of my sister only without the years of crippling psychological trauma. The longer I browse this Categories list of sexy Teachers, horny Students, hot Babes and kinky Swingers, the more I realize how much of life I’m missing out on here in mom’s basement. I feel worse than when I started.

At least the Sex Toys category gives me comfort. The 5,000 videos there largely feature solo sluts pleasuring themselves, which is something I am acutely familiar with. I mean, I may not be remotely attractive, and I’ve cobbled all my fake cunts together out of used Pringles cans and old He-Man parts, but it’s all masturbation, right? Me playing with myself while they do the same is intimate, right? Almost like sex? Please tell me I’m not a pathetic loser with a homemade fuck-hole on my flaccid cock as I bawl at my laptop screen and mom yells at me to go buy her another tub of mayonnaise.

I can’t really blame all the tears on AnySex (often misspelled as “anyxxx”). If anything, the porn tube’s massive archive of free HD fuck movie samples cheered me up, at least until I blew another sad load and had to return to my basement life of cat hair and anime. If it can help a guy like me feel a little bit of sexual joy, it can almost definitely bring a smile to your face and a tent to your pants. It won’t cost you anything to take a look and see.