Amazon.com

Since I’m the type of person that cringes at the thought of social interaction, I buy a lot of stuff on Amazon. Why would I bother going out to get furniture, books, video games, and even food at a store in the real world, where complete strangers will be able to look at, talk to, and smell me, when I could just order everything online from the comfort of my home with a few clicks?

What it’s come down to lately is if I can buy something online instead of in person, I will, and nine times out of ten I’ll buy that thing from Amazon. Between availability, price, and the fact that there are tons of reviews describing the pros and cons of just about every item, there aren’t really any downsides to shopping online. That is, assuming they carry what I’m looking for.

For years and years, I had assumed that Amazon didn’t carry sex toys. They’ve got a fairly family-friendly appearance, so I didn’t even consider that they would have rubber pussies for me to blow my load in to or silicon dicks to… um… use on girls. Because I would never use them on myself, I promise. I’m totally not into that (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I just collect them so that I can entertain the ladies when they come over. Yeah, I’m just stocking up to be prepared. That’s totally believable.

But, as it turns out, it’s not that Amazon doesn’t carry sex toys, it’s just that this little area of their business is hidden behind closed doors. Sort of like how your local sex shop is in a shady part of town, with a parking lot around back so that your friends, coworkers, preacher, or wife can’t see tht you’re parked there. Sort of like how the windows are usually covered, and how you tend to avoid eye contact with everyone else shopping there so that you can both leave with the unspoken understanding that you’re going to pretend that neither of you saw the other one the next time you see them in the cold light of day.

Amazon’s sex toy storefront is basically the online equivalent of that. It’s there, and it’s not exactly hard to find, but you have to seek it out to know it exists. Unless you’re following a direct link to the page, you’ll either need to really drill down through their categories or just start searching until you find a product. It’s not going to be as easy to find as books or DVDs, but it’s also not like finding a needle in a haystack.

There are a few pros and cons that make up the difference between buying sex toys from Amazon and picking them up in person. On one hand, you’ll get to shop from the privacy of your own home, but on the other you won’t get to stare at and sexually harass the cute female cashier by asking her questions about her sex life under the guise of wanting to know more about the products. You’ll get access to lower prices, a greater selection, and the first-hand knowledge of hundreds of reviewers, but you’ll also have to wait a couple of days to actually get the product, rather than being able to buy a fuckhole and some lube and test it out in the parking lot before you head home.

Everything You Could Ever Want

It’s common knowledge that Amazon sells basically every single book, tv show, movie, or other piece of media even published, but only those in the know (like yours truly) know that you can get sex toys there, too. Use this to your advantage—mommy doesn’t even think twice about bringing my Amazon packages down to me in the basement. She thinks they’re full of books, when in actuality she’s delivering me a twelve-inch black cock. And somehow, the deception really adds to the eroticism of the whole deal.

But they sell more than lifelike cock substitutes. They’ve also got phallic objects that vibrate, and even slightly more abstractly dick-shaped butt plugs, all in sizes that will satisfy anyone from beginner to expert. Or, if you don’t want to shove stuff up your ass (or pussy: if there are any women reading this—call me?), they’ve also got a wide range of devices to fuck, from realistic rubber replicas of mouths, assholes, and pussies, to abstract things like eggs and flashlights with vaguely humanoid shaped entrances.

If you’re a guy like ThePornDude (or if you’ve been able to make my fantasies come true by capturing and enslaving some women in your basement), they’ve also got sex gear meant to be used with a partner. If your partners are willing, try to look for sex furniture and couples toys (sometimes meant to be in two holes at once), and if they’re not, they sell a huge range of bondage toys that would totally give you more plausible deniability if a cop found them than industrial rope and police-grade handcuffs would.

And yes, I know that your local sex shop probably carries all of these types of items, too, but I promise the selection pales in comparison. While they might have one or two of each thing, Amazon carries hundreds. If you’re flush with cash you’ll be able to spring for an expensive life-like toy that can totally replace all human interaction, and if you’re a day away from the poorhouse you can buy a cheap Chinese replica that carries a fifty percent change of having your dick fall off when you use it. Or, if you’re somewhere in between, you can enjoy the variety of sizes, shapes, and colors that Amazon offers.

Talking Toys

At a seedy sex shop, there isn’t much for you to go on when it comes to figuring out what is actually going to work for you. Sure, you can take a look at the product and talk to the sales staff, but both of those sources are much more interested in getting you to spend as much money as possible than they are in making sure that you have a good time alone with your new purchase.

This risk is compounded by the fact that you can’t return used sex toys. I’m sure there might be a market for pre-owned dildos owned by attractive women, but nobody wants to touch my shit-stained rubber cocks, even if I try to pay them to take them off my hands, so if I make a bad purchase I’m stuck with it for life.

This is where the reviews on Amazon come in. More than anything, they’re what makes Amazon the best site in the world for buying sex toys. Any website is going to beat a physical store when it comes to price and selection, but Amazon’s unbiased reports of user experience are what lets you figure out the good from the bad—because a toy that doesn’t make you feel good isn’t worth buying at any price.

At a glance, pretty much every sex toy in any given category looks just about the same, and without having tested them you might think they are the same. Aside from minute variations in color, size, and texture, nine out of ten dildos look the exact same to an inexperienced shopper, but they won’t feel the same to my deeply experienced asshole. So I read reviews for each instead of buying out the whole stock and testing them all out. Well, that’s not entirely true—I still buy just about every one I come across, but that’s just because my cock and asshole are desperate for attention, not because I have to.

Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe

There is only one complaint that I have with buying sex toys on Amazon. Despite the fact that they do their best to ensure a totally private and discreet experience, there is one major hole in their security. Anyone who handles your package (after the anonymous slave at the Amazon warehouse who boxes it up) will have no idea that they’re holding something that you’re going to cum in, but anyone who has access to your Amazon account will, unfortunately, be able to see just how messed up the perverted shit that you purchased is.

You can try to cover your tracks by deleting your browsing history, and even getting rid of your search history tied to your Amazon account, but once your package ships, Amazon will make sure they never let you live it down. So if you share your account with mommy like I do, she might be in for a rude awakening the next time she pops on to Amazon to pick up a new sewing machine.

The only way I can think of to avoid this is to create another account used solely for debauchery. You may need another Prime membership if fast and free shipping are important to you, but at least nobody will find out about your shame. Well, at least they won’t find out until you pass out after a long night of fun next to your cock collection.