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ChatRoulette
Chat Roulette! The life of a porn site reviewer isn’t all glitz and glamor. It is a lot of hard work. Especially in the wanking department. It is hour after hour of hard and heavy fapping. Which sounds nice, right? And in theory, it is. But in actuality, gosh, you have no idea how much chafing goes down when you masturbate as often and as furiously as I do. My dong is no pretty sight to behold, let me tell you that much.
Plus, whenever I tell anyone what I do for a living, they always have the same exact reaction. It is some variation of: “Oh, dude, that’s awesome! You just get to sit at home and watch porn all day? You are living the dream, man, you are living the dream!” Yeah … right … I’m living the dream. Okay. But tell me again, who’s dream exactly is it to have to masturbate all the time? Is that really the dream?
Wouldn’t “the dream” be something closer to actually getting to bang chicks all day, every day, and not just pretending to? Those are some low bar dreams, my friend. No, the dream, the real dream, would be to be the one in the pornos. But that dream is unattainable for most. And impossible for me! If you could see what I look like, you would know what I mean. Not to mention the fact that my wiener is laughably small. Yeah, I gave up on that dream years and years ago. Yeah, definitely not happening.
And then, of course, there is the actual work of writing the reviews. Which is nothing like watching porn. Most of the people who are excited and pleasantly surprised when I tell them what I do for a living have no idea what it’s like to write. Like, actually write. I’m not talking about a little 180-character tweet here and there. Or a silly, quirky Instagram photo caption full of hashtags and emojis. I mean to sit down at the desk and actually bang out word after word afterword. And make it sound good. And make it interesting. And accurately, fairly critique the porn site. It’s hard work, people. But, hey, somebody’s got to do it.
I do rest easy, though, knowing that if, for whatever reason, I can’t take it anymore. If I either just succumb to the pressure and give up (just like I have with everything else in my life), or if I were to die tomorrow, it gives me solace knowing that the king of porn site reviews would still be at it, doing, honestly, a much better job than I ever could. I am, of course, talking about my idol (and unofficial mentor), The Porn Dude. He is the guy that I got the whole idea for my site and everything that I do from. He is the man who inspired me to start making something of my life. And although, admittedly, I haven’t made all that much of it … it’s something … and that’s always better than nothing … right?
The hardest part about being tasked with the responsibility of that I have to review every porn site in the known universe (and, naturally, fap my way through each one, too) is the loneliness. The solitude is crushing. I never thought an absence could be so heavy. But that’s really the only way I can describe it. A very heavy nothingness sitting on my chest, every second of every day. Those of you who have read my reviews in the past already know this, but I don’t have any friends. I have never had a girlfriend (I have never had sex). The only people I communicate with on a daily basis are my mom; my body pillow, Suki; and my sex doll, Dolly. Other than that, I am utterly alone. But at least I have all this porn to get me through…
Bored, Lonely, and Horny … Send Help
There are a few sites that I visit on a regular basis, though, so that I have some form of human contact. If I am not paying girls to talk to me on one of the many xxx cam sites out there or posting and commenting on porn and sex forums, there is a good chance you can find me on Chat Roulette … a site made for sad and lonely guys like me. Chat Roulette is an old, old school site that has gone through many changes over the years. When it first came out, it was met with a lot of controversy. Because, well, as you might expect, dirty old men were showing their ding dongs to underage girls. Foolishly, the site had hardly any rules or oversight back then. It was the wild, wild west, really, for pedophiles on the internet. What a disgusting wasteland that must have been. Nothing but old man peen as far as the eye can see. I’ll pass, thank you very much. Today, though, Chat Roulette has become a little bit safer. I’m pretty sure that, at the very least, there are moderators ensuring that nothing predatory is going on. But I don’t know for sure. That’s just the optimist in me crossing his fingers, I guess. There are, after all, zero preliminary procedures before you can just broadcast whatever the heck you want into the webosphere. That does not seem wise, if you ask me. But, hey, it’s roulette, right? I suppose if you play, you’re willing to take a gamble. If you have never heard of Chat Roulette before, the idea is pretty simple (and, at least when it first came out, pretty novel). Essentially, you broadcast your webcam along with people from all over the world and you are presented with random webcam feed after random webcam feed. You can stick around and chat (or more) for as long as you please with any one person. Or you can simply click the “next” button (space bar) to move onto the next feed. Pretty cool idea, right? Right … but as I said earlier, oftentimes, it’s not quite as great as it sounds in practice.It’s a Real Sausage Fest
Before you use Chat Roulette, be warned, you are going to see a lot of penises. I mean a lot of freaking penises. If you are a straight man, chances are you will see more penises in one hour on Chat Roulette than you have ever seen in your entire life. And they are, more often than not, ugly old man wieners, too. Not that I want to see the dongs of attractive young men or anything, don’t get it wrong. All I’m saying is, it adds quite a bit of insult to injury. I have no idea what these guys are thinking who just sit on Chat Roulette with their wangs out on camera … What exactly do they think is going to happen? Do they think some insanely hot chick is going to stop skipping through camera feeds and say, “oh my god, finally, a penis!” and start undressing and rubbing herself on the spot? It’s stupid. That is, actually, probably what many of these guys do think is going to happen, though, at least on a subconscious level. Freaking idiots.An Occasional Woman Appears…
Every once in a while, you will luck out and get a girl. I would say it’s about one in every 25 or 30 cams, but still. They are on there. So, it’s not impossible to potentially sweet talk a girl into showing some skin on Chat Roulette. It is just unlikely. Especially if you look like me and have social anxiety like I do. If you’re more attractive and confident, though, you should give it a shot. Competition is extremely high, though, seeing as there is maybe a 1:30 ratio of women to men. But fun can certainly be had on Chat Roulette. I, personally, tend to use it strictly as a chat platform (I know, very off brand for me). But, like I said, I am desperate for human interaction. And if I were the true creep and perv that I am on Chat Roulette, girls (or anyone, for that matter) would not stick around to talk to me every once in a while (which, surprisingly, does happen sometimes on Chat Roulette). Regardless of if you are able to get off, spending a couple hours on Chat Roulette could be a very fun way to spend a Thursday or Friday night in. Especially if you also have no friends. All in all, Chat Roulette is an institution at this point, I would say, of online video chatting. The webcam qualities are surprisingly good, streams load quickly, and not everyone you run into on it is going to be a wanker. I highly recommend that you check it out (and, please, try to hold in your inner freak until you have established that your partner wants it). I just can’t see any more ding dongs is all!- Good live stream quality
- Lots of people from all over the world
- Quick load times
- Free
- Lots of wangs
- Awful girl to guy ratio
- Not guaranteed to see skin
Find a better FREE video sex chat site than CHATROULETTE.COM on PornGeek!
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