Rule34Paheal! Some of you normies may not be aware that there is a set of rules that all respectable internet users abide by. Their origins are clouded in legend, but they likely originated in the mid-2000s from the primordial ooze of all internet culture that is 4chan. All of them are worth studying if you wish to become a master of the internet like I am, but the one that we’re going to discuss today is perhaps the most famous: Rule 34.Simply put, Rule 34 states that “If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.” You might think that this isn’t possible, but I dare you to find a way around it.I’ve been around the internet more than a few times, so I’ll be the gatekeeper here. Sailor Moon? Please, there’s been porn of that since the day it came out. Toy Story? Literally thousands of pics. Wendy from Wendy’s? Yes, I could pull up some porn of that cute little redhead taking a hot and juicy quarter pounder in just a few seconds.Rather than trying to disprove the Rule, I suggest that you just accept your fate and enjoy it. There’s a certain contentment in knowing that anything that makes you horny can be masturbated to.Wikipedia calls Rule 34 an internet meme, but they’re selling it short. It’s not a meme. It’s a way of life. Rule 34 as a concept has broadened the artistic and cultural horizons of the world to such an extent that calling it a meme is an insult.Rule 34 means that every fictional universe is now one that you can masturbate in. It means that if you want to watch Misty have sex with a Pokémon, the question is not “why can’t I find this?” but instead “which Pokémon?”The only remaining obstacle is where to find good Rule 34 porn. In the early days of the Internet, this was a serious problem. The main source was 4chan’s /b/, but as a forum that didn’t store archives this meant that Rule 34 porn was fleeting. You might find something good but be unable to ever find it the next time you felt like masturbating.Rule34.Paheal has largely solved this dilemma. After having been founded in 2007, just a few years after Rule 34 really hit the mainstream, it quickly became the internet’s largest repository for this type of porn.
In the years since it’s become enormous. Some might even call it bloated—as we’ll discuss later, finding high-quality drawings of what you’re looking for can often become an adventure—but it fulfills the true goal of Rule 34 more than any other site. If it exists, there is porn of it in Rule 34.paheal.
For Legal Reasons, We Need To Point Out…
The first time I opened up Rule34.paheal I had an existential crisis. Staring me in the face from the lime-green abyss was a statement that provoked intense nausea. I read it and a feeling of fear, loathing, and dread washed over me.“Click here if you’re an adult, and you’re ok with that,” it said. I am an adult. No matter what mommy says, it’s a matter of law that I’m an adult. I was fine with that part.But am I ok with it? I’ve never been given the choice before. Would I be happier returning to the carefree days of childhood? To roller-skating, and popsicles, and mac and cheese? To coming home from school to spend my evenings with anime and fast food? To having no worries other than whether or not my crush would talk to me the next day?Maybe I’m not ok with that. Maybe I’d rather go back. Maybe I should just take matters into my own hands and end things. It would be easier. It would be better than this. A return to the nothingness from which I came. I’m not a sad person, but what’s the point? Am I ok with this?
But then I reread the whole page. They said earlier that “For legal reasons, we need to point out that this site contains material not suitable for minors” and that “cookies may be used,” and it turns out they were asking if I was ok with cookies, not if I was ok with the concept of adulthood, aging, and existence.Plus, I guess that the nostalgic childhood I was pining for is basically how I live my life now anyway.Crisis averted. But I think I need to distract myself so that I can bury those thoughts deeper inside me. Let’s get on with the content, shall we?
If It Exists, There Is Porn Of It
Once you swallow your doubts and click through you’ll find a few paths in front of you. Most obvious will be the most recent images, but I don’t suggest starting there. The appeal of Rule34.paheal is its specificity—you’re here to fulfill your fantasies, not somebody else’s. Chances are the recent images don’t do much for you, so I’d suggest going straight for the search bar.The multitude of choices you’re facing might be a bit overwhelming, so take a few deep breaths. Think about something you enjoy. A cartoon, or a TV show, or a movie. Anyone, really. Then type it in and hit find. You’ll instantly be faced with probably hundreds of drawings of whatever character you chose engaged in various sex acts.It’s like a genie’s bottle, but it only works for sex. Though now that I think about it, that’s what I’d use a genie’s bottle for anyway. That genie is pretty cute…Oh, and speaking of. Try searching for genie porn. There’s loads of it. Eight whole pages of the genie from Aladdin having sex with Jasmine, various other Disney characters, and even Aladdin himself. If you didn’t believe me at first, you’d better now.The only real issue I have with Rule34.paheal comes up when you don’t know what you’re looking for. Anyone can upload anything to the site, so some of the images aren’t as good as others, and there’s absolutely no quality control when it comes to content tagging. If you’re searching for a specific series or character you’ll probably fine, but if you’re looking for anything more specific than that you’re going to be out of luck.That being said, the alternative to a good search function is just getting as close as you can and then looking and the tons and tons of porn that Rule34.paheal has until you find what you’re really looking for, which isn’t such a bad way to spend your time when you think about it.
There exists a corollary to Rule 34 known as Rule 34b that reads “if no porn is found at the moment, it will be made.” Thankfully, this rule is just as true as the one that precedes it. If you’re looking for a sexual image of something but you can’t locate it on Rule 34, they host a chatroom where you can make requests.The chatroom isn’t one of the more popular areas of the site, but that turns out to be a blessing more than a curse. There are usually fewer than fifty people online, which has two main effects. First, the bad: it might take a while to get a response, and there may not even be any artists online who can help. But the upside is much greater: your requests won’t be drowned out by everyone else asking for stuff too, and it’s much more likely to be fulfilled as a result.The community is also really helpful when it comes to finding good pics, too. Since the tagging system and quality control of the content can be a bit lacking at times, personal recommendations are probably the best way to find porn on Rule 34. Since I don’t have friends and the strangers I’ve asked about what’s good on Rule 34 seemed to get upset with me for some reason, I try to stick to the chat room for recommendations for now. It might take a bit longer to get a response, but at least I don’t get slapped as often.I even found a girl that I like there. She says she’s 18 and from California, and the pictures she sent me are really cute. They almost look like they were taken by a professional photographer in a studio, but she says that her friend took them. She’s saving up to come visit me, so I sent her a few hundred dollars to help. But then said it didn’t come through, so I had to send another five hundred. Oh well, it’ll all be worth it when she finally comes to see me!