Gelbooru

It’s hard being an obese neckbeard with terrible hygiene. People don’t want to be my friend since I don’t leave the basement or go in the sun or interact with other living humans. I guess the Internet is something of a goddamn miracle for weaboos and weirdos like me, though, which is a good thing. While the rest of the world goes on living their lives, we can get our jollies on Gelbooru.

Gelbooru.com ain’t your typical porn site, so a lot of you typical porn wankers ain’t even going to enjoy it. It’s not a polished, sparkly site full of full-motion HD videos of top pornstars getting their shit packed and salad tossed. Gelbooru is an imageboard, designed mainly for nerds like you to stroke their penises to hentai while chatting it up with other creepy virgins. They’ve been doing this shit over a decade, and currently get over 25,000 visitors per day. See, mom? I ain’t a lonely loser with no friends!

An Imageboard with a Sexy Manga Focus

The front page of the site will look like a goddamn mystery if you typically shake your dick at the free tubes. There’s no wall of porn thumbnails. In fact, there’s no porn at all, not even a slight indication that this is any kind of adult site whatsoever. The page is simple as fuck, mostly just a search bar and a bunch of pixelly anime broads holding number signs: 4,568,259. It’s a little unclear what that number is. Pieces of content? Another figure puts their total visitors so far at around 400 million.

A tiny link at the bottom tells me Gelbooru is based on another site called Danbooru. A clickthrough to that one shows a nearly identical setup. I get it. There are Chans (Futaba) and Boorus among the net’s imageboards. Their layouts and formats are largely the same, their personalities determined largely by the kind of weirdos that populate the place. 4chan has become a hangout for alt-right conspiracy theorists, but who’s kicking it over at Gelbooru?

A look at the Posts page gives me some hints. Here are the newest user-posted images on the site, represented as clickable thumbnails. The very most recent image is a squeaky-clean drawing of two girls cooking a fish while looking kind of annoyed. New content hits the site so fast that after I take a look at the full-size image, there are two fresh new images in front of it. One’s another innocent image of an anime girl eating ice cream, the other is a fairly realistic render of a gender-swapped Bowser with huge tits and meaty thighs squeezing out of her fishnets.

The new material is mostly porno art, and most of that porno art is hentai. I see girls in bikinis and rabbit ears, anime sluts pressing their luscious titties together, and schoolgirls laying in the water, exposing their naughty bits. There’s an amputee whose arm flesh must have been repurposed into those giant boobers, and a young dude cumming up in his girlfriend’s guts, the jizz explosion visible thanks to the X-ray view.

A Paradise of Weaboo Entertainment

With all that exposed manga T&A on the screen, I can feel my girlfriend’s eyes boring into the back of my head. She was the most beautiful anime princess in the body pillow catalog, at least within my budget, but goddamn! She sure gets jealous when I look at hentai. There are a few recent images on the front page that aren’t drawings.

One new image is an animated GIF that seems to be taken from a Japanese Adult Video. A pretty Asian girl smiles, says something, and then the camera pans down to her little titties. Another short JAV loop shows one Japanese MILF pulling up another’s blouse to expose her monster jugs, and a chubby schoolgirl gawks at her teacher’s cleavage. If you look long enough, you’ll notice a few short video clips of Asian hotties fucking, sucking and getting their asses licked.

The flesh-and-blood images are few and far between, greatly outnumbered by X-rated versions of Team Rocket from Pokemon and explicit dick-sucking hentai. It’s interesting that when real girls do appear on Gelbooru, they’re Japanese. This is a true weaboo site, through and through. Stock up on Pocky before you come by.

Tons of Updates of Super Kinky Shit

It probably hasn’t been 20 minutes since I last looked at the Posts page, but in that time, they’ve added more than 30 images. Holy fucking shit, that’s a steady stream of hentai. I guess my two-inch shaft of solid rock ain’t going to go soft for a while.

Gelbooru’s got an absolutely cluttered Tags page, which you kind of expect with a site like this. You’ve got thousands of weaboo perverts uploading their hentai collections and tagging it as they see fit, so naturally, there’s a lot of overlap and just general bullshit clogging up the fields. The site is built to make the best of them, and it’s a pretty useful compromise.

I’m not sure the Tags page is useful for browsing because of all the clutter, but it’s got a good Search feature if you know what you’re looking for. I feel like the category Tags running down the sidebar are a lot more useful.

The Tags sidebar shows tags that are currently popping up in that endless stream of porno artwork, plus tells you how many other pieces in the collection have that same tag. 1girl, a tag designating the image features one female anime character, is at the very top of the list. There are over 3 million pics on Gelbooru featuring 1girl, usually with big tits and/or her cartoon snatch getting filled up with wiener.

Animal Ears (445,298) are far more popular than Fake Animal Ears (22,668), and Open Mouths (1,106,791) are valued more than Tongues (204,685). There are tons of Nipples, and a couple million with Breasts, but only 30 with Big Breasts. Tags are such bullshit sometimes, but at least their Nintendo and Pokemon categories are completely full of dirty porno.

Ask Nicely and I’ll Show You My Spam

The spam setup here is interesting. There’s a banner blocking the bottom portion of the page when you first load Gelbooru, saying it sees your pop-up blocker and asks you politely to look at some ads. I didn’t turn off my ad-blocker but clicked Okay, making a fake promise I wasn’t going to keep, like when I tell mom I’ll clean the kitty litter and take a shower in the next couple days. Gelbooru showed me spam anyway, slipping it right past my plugin.

It’s not too bad. I didn’t get any pop-ups or pop-unders, which are always the fucking worst when you’re trying to beat your meat. There are a fair number of banners for anime games like Pussy Saga, and a few ads for software that will put a stripper on my desktop. Yeah, I need more sex distractions while I’m trying to review sex sites. I wonder if The Porn Dude has a setup like that, because I know he doesn’t get overwhelmed and flustered by women like I do, whether those broads are virtual or otherwise.

Interact with Other Weaboo Perverts

Most user activity on Gelbooru seems to be uploading pictures and jerking off to the whole collection, but there are plenty of opportunities to interact with your fellow neckbeard fatties. Imageboards are mainly designed to share images, but there are text fields everywhere.

There’s surprisingly little action in the Forum. People in there talk about which anime bitches they’d fuck, fetishes they have, and how big their personal porn collections are. There are a couple of posts a day, at most.

More commonly, users leave their opinions and questions in the comment sections of the images. I think because images are the main content on the site, they’re also the bigger driver of conversation than anything else.

Gelbooru.com (often misspelled as “gelboru”, “gelburro”, “gelborou, “gelboruu”, “gelbooro”, “gellbooru”, “gelborru”, “genbooru” and “gelburoo”) has a layout that’s confusing at first if you’re not used to imageboards, but the learning curve is pretty easy. The site’s a constantly updated archive of hentai and comic book porn, with some JAV sprinkled throughout. The place is like a paradise for English-speaking weaboos obsessed with perverted manga porn. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the masturbation fort I’m building out of old ramen cups.