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EmpFlix
I have been trying to do things for myself for once in my life instead of trying to please others. Yes, I still spend most of my free time selflessly uplifting the beautiful females of the world because that’s the only way we as a society will ever make progress! BUT! I am also trying to make life better for myself. Proof: I went to the doctor and asked if there was anything medical science could do for my tiny penis.
Well, I didn’t actually go to the doctor. I met a doctor on an online forum that told me he specializes in growing tiny penises and the only thing he would need from me was several photographs that showed my little pee-pee. I took a picture from every angle I could think of, even my teeny-tiny testicles. Finding them proved to be the biggest challenge; flicking them and finding the patch of skin that hurt proved to be the best way.
I sent about a dozen pictures of my private parts to the doc. He said he would send me some medication in the mail in a few weeks as long as I gave him a credit card number. Sneaking out of the basement I stole mother’s credit card and gave him the number. I maxed it out but because I am her son and she is obligated to provide me with care, I believe the law will be on my side if she decided to sue me for the thousands she owes!
Oh, wait. I just remembered an important detail that will get me ahead of the story but I might as well tell it now. The doctor wasn’t my doctor at all: it was my high school principal. Not only did he tell me that he fondled himself to my pictures, but he also made copies and put them on every bulletin board in the neighborhood! Apparently my tiny ghost penis and berries are so funny local businesses left the images up: business is actually up in these spots because people are coming from outside the neighborhood to stare at what’s being called the ‘world’s saddest scrote.’ Mother is also getting calls day and night because he posted my name, address, and mother’s landline on each image so everyone would know who owns my penis.
It’s me.
Now I am embarrassed, mother has $10,000 on her credit card, and I still have a small penis. Oh, PornDude, whatever should I do?! At least found a site that made the head of my micropenis slide out of my skin sheath: EMPFlix! I became a huge fan during my short time of uplifting the beauties on this free tube site but is it worth your time as well? Let’s find out!
Huge variety of categories
When I say EMPFlix has something for everyone I’m not merely jerking you off. I wouldn’t do that anyway because I am a straight male feminist that is obsessed with the female body anyway! But to the point, EMPFlix has such a wide variety of categories you’re going to find something that will make you start to perspire whether you are trapped in your mother’s basement or in the comfort of your own home. I was especially drawn to the cartoon sex category (for the noobs, this is called hentai!). It is drawn just like my animes except the beautifully drawn females have sex! I actually felt my little penis move from watching one of these videos! I never knew what that felt like until I watched a blue-haired goddess pleasure a detective looking for her husband only to have his ghost appear out of the sperm-spray and point out his killer: a human cat that was the detective’s landlord. Masterful storytelling and eroticism, just masterful!Search by length of videos
Another awesome option is the ability to search for videos by length. If you have browsed a free tube site like EMPFlix for more than a few minutes you know that short clips really do not give you enough time to complement any female. With EMPFlix you have the option to search only videos of a certain length. That means if you only want videos longer than 30-minutes (more than enough time to rattle off a speech about how the female is a goddess that deserves few men in this world) you can view them by adjusting your preferences. Easy-peasy-hentai-baby!Option to view only HD videos
Sometimes you want to feel like you are actually inside of a video. I’m not talking about wearing those expensive virtual reality headsets (I tried one on and had a mild heart attack once) but rather just videos that are of a certain quality. If you’re down with 720p and 1080p but nothing below that don’t fret! EMPFlix lets you search for only videos that are in high-definition. When quality matters and you want to be able to idolize the beautiful body of a female that deserves our attention, EMPFlix gives you the option to view these beautiful creatures in the resolution they were meant to be viewed in!Videos load instantly, look great!
One of the things that worried me about viewing the HD videos on EMPFlix is just how long it would take for the videos to load. This is not the case whatsoever! Even when I was loading HD videos on my mobile device the video began to load immediately. It did not matter how long the video was either: it worked from the moment I hit play. A lot of free tube sites have you waiting for minutes until the video decides to stop buffering. It’s like it can’t decide which pizza rolls it wants to buy: pepperoni or all meat with extra pepperoni. EMPFlix doesn’t give you any of this poop: it just works!Mobile and desktop versions are clean, functional
Speaking of the mobile side of things, browsing around EMPFlix was an absolute breeze! The site is totally functional, everything looks clean and not confusing, and the site is generally just a joy to look at. A lot of free tube sites may work well put look like they were put together by someone who only knows HTML and not even PHP or CSS *snorts* can you imagine?! What kind of noob web designed would only know HTML?! Anyway, I love the way EMPFlix looks. It has been professionally designed and shown much care to ensure it looks and functions the way it does. I give the functionality and design of the site two *pretends to blow a bugle with thumb* Dwarven chalices way up!Only a few images in the entire gallery
EMPFlix has an image gallery that would be a joy to browse around. Unfortunately, there are only a few images you can look at. I don’t know why this is the case or if there is a way that EMPFlix can fix the problem, but I found this quite disheartening. EMPFlix should either figure out a way to add more images or just remove the option altogether. Sometimes you want to be able to just stare at a static picture for days, print it out and put it on your wall to stare at as you lie in your urine-soaked mattress in your mother’s basement. Even so, if EMPFlix can’t provide the images to look at then what is the point?No channels available despite the option
When clicking on the channels section of EMPFlix, nothing loads up. It is as if they wanted to add channels to the site but completely forgot about adding it after including it in the menu on the homepage. Perhaps this is a feature that is coming and they haven’t got around to adding it yet or maybe they’ve forgotten about it as mother forgets about me existing for days on end. Whatever the case, it needs to be fixed. The categories more than make up for the lack of channels. Even so, if there are no channels present or if there are no channels coming the section needs to be removed. Instead, what not add a tags section?Can’t search by tags
Although adult stars and the categories each video falls into is included in the info on each video, that is where the tagging ends. For a site that has so many awesome categories the fact that you cannot search by tags as well is a missed opportunity. Even though the categories are broad, searchable tags would allow users to find even more in-depth and broad videos based on their preferences. It’s a little touch that would go a long way; like the way I have never been touched before, EMPFlix, unfortunately, didn’t go there. In the end, EMPFlix (often misspelled as "emplix", "ampflix" and "emflix") certainly deserves to be in your bookmarks folder. I’ve added it to mine and have already used up all of mother’s mobile data! She is pissed at me and tells me she hates me! But it’s a small price to pay in order to uplift the beautiful females that grace EMPFlix!- Huge variety of categories (I love the hentai section!)
- Search by length of video
- Can search for HD-only videos
- Videos load instantly, look great.
- Mobile and desktop version are functional and clean
- Only a few images in the entire gallery
- No channels available despite the option
- Cannot search via tags
Find a better FREE porn tube site than EMPFLIX.COM on PornGeek!
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