Pictoa

I’m lost. I don’t know if I can move on. I don’t know if I even ever want to move on. I just came across what I think might be the most porn ever hosted on a single website, and I don’t know how to handle it. Aside from whipping out my cock, of course.

Pictoa gathers porn images that are presented as a gallery, first of categories and then of thousands upon thousands of individual pictures. Actually, not thousands: millions. And I don’t mean millions like I’m some asshole at a bar pretending that I’m a millionaire to impress chicks millions, I mean actual millions. Like, the amount of chicks ThePornDude has banged millions. It’s tits and ass and dicks, as far as the eye can see, as long as the eyes will stay open.

In essence, Pictoa is the Great Library of Alexandria of still pornographic images. Even if you don’t normally look a porno pics, it’s still a landmark, and it’s still worth seeing while it exists.

A Colossal Collection

So Pictoa has pictures. I can hear you complaining now: what’s the point? Every porn site has pictures, what makes Pictoa different?

I can say with confidence that there isn’t a single site on the internet that has this many pornographic images. I’d like to say that the entire internet combined doesn’t have this many pics, but that might be wrong. MIGHT. The amount of content on Pictoa is almost incomprehensible, but I’ve got absolutely nothing better to do than sit here and try to understand it anyways, so I’m going to give it my best shot.

There are over fifty-four million pictures on Pictoa. Let’s say you decided you want to look at every single one of those pictures. You decide that you’ll spend a good portion of your life on Pictoa (like I already do, and you plan to look at five thousand unique images each and every single day). By the time you’ve exhausted their catalog, you’ll have spent just short of thirty years on this one site. And that’s ignoring the fact that thousands and thousands of pictures are uploaded every single day—the size of the task will probably have tripled by the time thirty years have passed.

By the time that’s happened, I bet I’ll be able to go out to the local robot shop and get myself a fully-functional lifelike sex companion and finally lose my virginity. Then I can fuck that while catching up on what I’ve missed. By the time I hit the end the second time around, I’ll either be dead or scientists will have discovered a cure for disease and death, which means I can spend the next few thousand years just on Pictoa’s collection.

Let’s try another angle: if you and every other person in the world were assigned a picture on Pictoa to share for a year, you’d get three whole days alone with it, just for yourself, to do whatever you wanted with it. If you and everyone in the United States were sharing it, you would get to use and abuse your picture for slightly over two months. Just try not to cover it in too much cum before you give it to the next person.

Here’s something you’ll probably never see me say again, though. I think the worst way to browse Pictoa is by looking at the most viewed photos. With a collection this large, what people are looking at the most isn’t really relevant. These are more likely to be the pictures that have been around the longest more so than they are the best pictures. The really, really excellent stuff takes a bit more work to find.

And it shows. These aren’t bad pictures by any means, but if you just went to the popular section and stuck with what you saw there, you wouldn’t be even scratching the surface of what Pictoa has to offer. To get to the good stuff, you’ll need to put in a little time and effort. You’ll have to go deeper, but your efforts will be rewarded when you do.

Another shocking statement: skip the videos. Yes, Pictoa has videos, and yes, most people prefer videos, but that’s not what we’re here for. The video section doesn’t come close to the quality or quantity of the pictures. It would be like going to a steakhouse and ordering fish, or going to a taqueria and ordering a hamburger. Both of which I’ve done, and neither of which I recommend—stick to the specialties.

The Cavern of Categories

When it comes to navigating a collection this massive, you need a comprehensive set of tools. If I were to just dive in headfirst without proper preparation, I’m sure I’d just get overwhelmed and drown in the pussy. Thankfully, Pictoa matches its huge collection with, again, what I can confidently call the largest collection of categories the internet has ever seen. I still drowned in the possibilities when I dove, but, thanks to the organization provided by Pictoa I was able to follow the immortal words of Lil Wayne: “I drowned in the pussy so I swam to the butt.”

It’s hard to describe the selection without an example, because we’re talking numbers that evade human comprehension here. So let’s stick with pussy (further proof that I’m not gay, MOM): they’ve got no less than twenty categories containing that one word: in alphabetical order, we’ve got big pussy, cum in pussy, double pussy (which, disappointingly, is a category for double penetration and not women with an extra hole), hairy pussy, licking pussy, natural pussy, open pussy, pierced pussy, pink pussy, pussy (in general), pussy DP, pussy eating, pussy licking (which I suppose is somehow different from licking pussy, but hours of research have yet to determine how), pussy stretching, pussy to mouth, pussy lips, pussy pump, swollen pussy, tight pussy, and, last but certainly not least, trimmed pussy. Phew. Deep breath.
Now that pussy no longer looks like a word, let’s follow Weezy’s lead and move to the butt: I won’t bother listing them, but along with the six categories containing the word butt, we’ve got twenty-eight containing ass, not to mention the massive forty categories featuring anal of all shapes, sizes, and colors.

They even have tags for things that I can’t figure out why anyone would want. But, hey, I’m not here to judge: and if you want saggy tits, ugly women, cock and ball torture, or old farts, Pictoa won’t judge either.

It’s safe to say that if what you’re looking for exists, you’ll find it on Pictoa. Wait, that’s a complete understatement, because there are plenty of categories of things that don’t actually exist on here. There’s a vampire category, a superhero category, and a monster category. They even have a category called love—I’m sure that it’s not just me, love isn’t actually real, right? The alternative is accepting that I’m unlovable, but I think it’s much more likely that love was fabricated by Hallmark to sell cards. I’m sure there are even more niche fantasy categories, but even I don’t have enough free time to read the entire list.

The Pornstar Playground

The pics on Pictoa are a good mixture of professional and amateur porn, but for those of you who prefer the big stars that we all know and love, the pornstars listing will be sure to please. It’s just as exhaustively extensive as the categories section, hosting a listing of what I’m sure must be every single woman on the planet who has been paid to pose nude.

If you masturbated to her fifteen years ago, I bet you’ll find every single picture of her that exists, presented to you in a gallery in just a few clicks. But alongside golden-age classics like Gianna Michaels and Stormy Daniels, and new millennium legends like Mia Khalifa, you’ll find brand new girls who just turned eighteen and entered the world of porn this year, too.

There are even a few amateur girls listed here, along with celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, and Nicki Minaj, who have posed nude often enough to have a collection of pictures but not often enough that we can’t still pretend that they’re more than just porn stars. They’ve even got a section of pictures of my future wife, Winona Ryder: but those pictures are just for me and Winona, ok?

Oh, actually, it turns out her page has loads of viruses. And pop-ups. And, actually, it’s empty. There’s nothing there at all. So just forget I mentioned it. Don’t click on that section, it’s not worth your time. She’s my precious baby, and I won’t share her.