JList

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J List! J-List bills itself as “your friend in Japan,” and the more I think about it the more I’m convinced that they’re completely right. I don’t actually have any friends, since I’m incapable of forming bonds with people unless I think there’s a chance that they’re going to have sex with me, but on a theoretical level if I did have a friend in Japan, I’d probably just take advantage of their location by having them send me weird rare Japanese stuff. Which is actually what J-List does. It’s a huge online import shop that resells just about anything that’s relatively easy to find in Japan, but difficult to find elsewhere. They sell snacks, video games, clothes, DVDs… and, if you know anything about Japan, you also know that they’re going to sell porn and sex toys. This is the country where it’s okay to read hentai on a train, where you can buy disposable male sex toys at every corner store, and where there are vending machines selling used panties. Basically, Japan is a pervert’s paradise. And while J-List doesn’t make these best parts of Japan a part of my everyday life as much as I wish it did, it does make them more accessible. I may still not be able to walk to the nearest store and buy a Tenga egg to stick my dick in, but I can buy one on J-List and have it in a few days, and that’s good enough for me.

I’m Big In Japan

J-List sells more than the basic stuff that you can get at just about any sex shop. Yes, they stock realistic fake dicks, things that go buzz, and flared objects to shove up your butthole, but they’ve also got things like strap-ons, penis pumps, nipple toys, clit vacuums, lubes, and more. They even stock the famous Clone-A-Willy kit, which lets you dip your dick into a mold to make a rubber replica of your penis. I don’t think I’m going to buy one, though. Mine might be average, measuring a totally respectable three and a half inches (if you include the balls), but I prefer my dildos to be a bit bigger. Like, PornDude sized. I mean… I prefer the dildos that I use on my harem of women to be that big. I would never actually use one on myself, nope. I own all these for using on hot babes. Or for research. Whichever one of those is more believable. Assuming that, like myself, you don’t like sticking dick-like objects up your butt, J-List also carries a whole bunch of male masturbators, from replicas of the various parts of human anatomy that matter most (the butthole, the pussyhole, and the mouthhole), to space-age fuck-holes that look more like flashlights, eggs, or that thing from that dream I had about an alien whose only purpose on earth was to provide pleasure. If you’re like those visitors my mommy always has, or if you’re some lucky bastard who has an active sex life because they’re as hot as ThePornDude, J-List also carries a bunch of couples’ toys and other items that can be used in a healthy, active sex life—as if anyone reading this has one of those. Pretty much everything that can be found at J-List can be found elsewhere, but not all in one place, and not with this much variety. They sell more types of lube and condoms than Walmart, more types of lingerie than Victoria’s Secret, and more interesting board games than your local game store. I bet the people who play these types of games have to wear deodorant, though, so I think I’ll stick to spending my Friday nights at the board game dungeon with the nerds.

Oh, And They’ve Got Other Stuff, Too

Despite all I’ve said, J-List isn’t actually just a sex toy shop. They focus on goods of all kind from Japan, and I focus on masturbation above all else, so that’s what I find most important about J-List, but unlike myself, they’re actually not quite that one dimensional. Sure, a large portion of their business is sex related, but J-List goes far beyond that. You can order books and magazines (many of which are hentai or hentai-adjacent, so I guess that’s not totally unrelated to sex), DVDs (again, some of which aren’t exactly chaste), anime figurines (most of which are of the large-breasted variety), video games (some of which are little more than disguised porn), and cosplay supplies (which are also quite sexual most of the time). But they also have a few categories which even a deviant pervert like myself won’t be turned on by: you can also buy nonsexual books, DVDs, and video games, as well as snacks, food, and home goods, which, unless you’re roleplaying as a hungry Japanese housewife, shouldn’t have anything to do with your masturbation habits. Although, if you really need to include them somehow (as I did), it’s always nice to have an after-cumming treat, and some incense during your jerk-off session should go a long way towards adding some nice romantic ambience.

Confronting Your Shame

Sticking your cock into manmade objects should be a point of pride, not something to be embarrassed about. So in an ideal world, I should be able to receive my sex toys shipped in packaging that doesn’t hide the fact that I’m going to cum in the contents of the box. If I want to replace human interaction with a three-hundred-dollar motorized life-like replica of a vagina, that’s my god-given right, and I shouldn’t be made fun of for doing it. But the world isn’t how it should be, and people judge me when I tell them I spend more on sex toys than most people spend on rent. J-List understands that, so they package their sex toys as discreetly as possible. Everything is shipped in plain brown boxes or envelopes, and the only way anyone would ever know what was inside them is if they recognized the return address. I’m sure the mailman has shipped enough stuff from J-List that they’ve got me figured out, but just about anyone else who doesn’t order from them as often as I do should be none the wiser. Their billing is discreet, too—my order showed up on my (mommy’s) credit card bill as Adam Mail, which might sound like a mail-order groom service, but certainly doesn’t point towards an order of sex toys. J-List also claims that they’ve got all of their customer data protected by state-of-the-art security protocols, ensuring that in the event of an inevitable leak, my name doesn’t show up on a list alongside all of the other weirdos who own a collection of disembodied holes to cum into.

Embracing My Obsession

One of the things that I love about J-List is their points system. This sort of thing is super popular in Japan, with almost every major store of all kinds offering some sort of way to reward its customers for their loyalty (or addiction). For every dollar you spend on anything, from Pocky to Pokémon to porn, you’ll get two J-List points. You also get J-List Points when you sign up, on your birthday, and when you buy certain items included in bonus points sales. Once you’ve collected enough points, you can trade them in for discounts on your purchases. When you actually do the math, the savings aren’t huge, but I still love J-List Points for two reasons. The most basic of those is that I would already be buying these things even if the points didn’t exist, so there isn’t any downside. Sure, the savings aren’t great, but most stores don’t offer anything like this, so any discount is better than more of a discount. Secondly, I like that I can use J-List points to justify my purchasing habits to myself. I’m not obsessed with J-List, no, it’s nothing like that—I’m just ten points away from getting a big discount on my next purchase, so I need to buy a few hundred dollars’ worth of porn this time around. It’ll totally be worth it when I save ten dollars on my next purchase. I’m being financially responsible and frugal, not just wasting money on something that I’m going to fill with my seed. Yep. This is what being an adult is all about—chasing arbitrary rewards that don’t even come close to being worth the effort that you put into them.