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hoodamateurs.com

Hood Amateurs! I’ve been eating a lot of soul food lately. There’s this really great restaurant downtown that serves up all of the classic down-home southern favorites. The only problem is that since I’m ordering delivery, I don’t get the full hood experience that I’m looking for. Well, not the full experience. I’m not trying to buy drugs, or get shot at, or really do anything that has to do with the hood except look at cute black girls. The first time I ordered my delivery driver was this cute black twenty-something girl, but she seemed uncomfortable with how I touched her hair, so ever since it’s been a big black guy. He doesn’t seem to like me. He mentioned something about how I scared his sister, but I’m not sure if he meant his actual sister or his “sista.” Either way, I’m not scared of him. But just in case, I’ll peak out the window as the driver arrives, and make mommy answer the door if it’s him. One day I’m sure my ebony queen will come back, and she’ll see the error of her ways. I know that what she really wants is a pasty, white, chubby guy with a reasonably-sized four-inch dick to treat her right and take her out of the hood. But she hasn’t realized that, so what I normally do in the meantime is order my food, settle down to a nice, big plate of oxtails, yams, and collard greens and pull up a site like Hood Amateurs. I feel like masturbating to black girls is going to give me the experience and authenticity that I need to convince my delivery girl to not run away next time. It’s just like Jay-Z said: this is like the news but with a “ghetto point-of-view.” Sure, he was talking about authentic street rapping and this is a site with videos of real-life black girls having sex, but I think it applies just as well. Soon enough I’ll fit in with the culture. Maybe if I wore a du-rag and some grills she would think I’m cute.

Driving Down MLK Boulevard

The layout of Hood Amateurs is simple and sweet, just like my crush. But, unlike her, it’s also easily accessible to anyone, even if you’re not as smart, sexy and cool as ThePornDude. I know she would see that I’m a really nice guy if she ever got to know me, but until then at least I have Hood Amateurs so that I can fill up my sex doll while watching girls that look just like her. The very first thing you’ll see when you open up the site is a small selection of featured videos. There aren’t many to choose from, but the ones they gave me were pretty hot. At the very least, this section will give you a good taste of what the site has to offer. If you’ve watched all of the featured videos and you’re still not feeling it, maybe Hood Amateurs aren’t for you. Try suburban professionals or something, I guess. Next up is the “Most Recent Free Porn Videos Section.” The most recent section on Hood Amateurs is different from the most recent section in one important way: it’s not completely terrible. New videos come up roughly daily rather than every few minutes, but this works in Hood Amateur’s favor. While most sites browsed chronologically will let you down with video after video that’s boring, short, and low quality, pretty much everything uploaded to Hood Amateurs is worth watching. I almost never recommend this, but I honestly think just browsing through the most recent videos is one of the best ways to use Hood Amateurs. There’s still a slight risk of running into some cosmic horror that requires you to bleach your eyes clean, but it’s much less likely here than it is pretty much anywhere else. That being said, there’s some flexibility here if you look for it. At first glance, it seems the main page only offers featured videos and recent videos, but you can change the sort on the most recent videos. And, surprisingly enough, they actually have more sorting options than almost any other free or paid porn site that I’ve seen. One of my favorites is looking at the most popular videos by view count. The most viewed video on the site of all time by far is an absolute classic that anyone should watch: R. Kelly’s sex tape. Sure, the quality is confusingly bad and the sex isn’t actually that great, but having seen R. Kelly get his dick sucked will really make things a lot more exciting the next time Ignition comes on the radio. I do have to warn you, though: some of the most-viewed videos are as popular as they are because of their shock value, not because they’re good porn. There are a few older ladies in that section, as well as a lot of public, fetish, and squirting porn. If squirting isn’t your cup of tea (or if you wouldn’t want somebody to squirt in your cup of tea) you might be better off with the top-rated sort, which will show you videos that people actually liked, not just whichever thumbnails and titles made them click like a moth to a flame. The most discussed sorting is a mix of the two. You’ll find videos that are so irresistible that the entire community had to come together to talk about how hot that was right next to videos so disgusting that people just had to do the same. On top of that you’ve got the most downloaded page, which shows the videos that guys were so obsessed with that they had to make them a permanent part of their collection, followed finally by sorting the videos by length, for those nights when you really want to settle in for an entire evening of jerking off.

I’m Lost In The World

Unfortunately, Hood Amateurs does not match its extensive sorting capabilities with many other features. After exhausting myself masturbating to the top videos, I got excited by the sight of categories up at the top of the site and thought I’d really be able to use them to pinpoint my baby girl. But, just as she was disappointed when she saw me, I was disappointed when I saw the categories. There are tags that you can use, but they’re just about as poorly implemented as the categories. I guess you have to take what you can get, though: since Hood Amateurs completely dropped the ball on categories, clicking stuff like “hoe” “thot” and “thick” is probably your best way to find a specific type of video. It’s useless, but it’s better than the categories. I’m sure you think I’m exaggerating, so let me dispel that for you. There are five categories. Five. Five categories might be somewhat useful if they were well-thought-out and accurately described their content, but neither of those things is true about the categories on Hood Amateurs (often misspelled as "hoodamatures", "hood amatuers" and "Hood amature.com"). While I commend the site for their robust sorting function that was probably one of the best I’ve ever seen, this is easily the worst selection of categories I’ve ever seen. I would ever go as far as to say that the site would be better off without categories at all. Hell, it would probably be better off if clicking on categories just redirected you to another site entirely or closed your browser. First up are “Black Bbw Amateurs Porn,” “interracial amateur porn,” (yes, completely uncapitalized) and “BLACK AMATEUR HEAD BLOWJOBS NECK” (yes, in all caps and everything). These are by far the thee best categories, because they actually describe something meaningful. Sure, I’d guess that a full quarter of the videos in each category have absolutely nothing to do with their titles, and sure, these three categories together only hold about one percent of the videos on the site, but hey, at least they’re trying. The gigantic list of five categories is rounded out by “Free BLACK PORN” (which, despite the fact that it technically describes every single video on the site only contains about 600 videos), and “Free Black Amateur Porn,” which, again, describes literally every single video on the site. There isn’t a video here that isn’t free, there isn’t a video here that doesn’t feature black people, and there isn’t a video here that isn’t amateur. Unless you count R. Kelly, but believe me, while he might be a professional musician he certainly isn’t a professional porn star.