AssParade

Ass Parade! I’ve always enjoyed parades. I haven’t been to see one in a long time, but I have a lot of happy memories from my childhood. Back when mommy and daddy still loved each other and didn’t each have secret nighttime friends, they used to take me out to get ice cream and hotdogs and watch the floats go by.

But now I’m an adult (no matter what mommy says) and I have to leave childish things behind. But I still long for parades. So how can I fill this hole? (It’s a metaphorical hole, pervert.) I would go to a parade, but that judge said I’m not allowed within five hundred feet of anywhere where children congregate anymore…

Oooh, I know! Ass Parade! It’s a different type of parade, that’s for sure, but I think it’s more well-suited to my current tastes. Giant asses are better than floats, anyways—plus, whipping my cock out and masturbating won’t get me in as much trouble if I do it in the privacy of my own home.

The Parade Route

Once you find yourself posted up along the parade route, you get access to a collection of hundreds and hundreds of videos, as well as very regular updates to ensure that you never run out of booty. Just about every single week, a new HD video that’s at least half an hour long, and sometimes over an hour, will be uploaded to the site.

If you’re an infrequent porn consumer, that steady stream might be enough to keep your hands occupied and your balls drained, but if you’re a virile man like myself who needs to masturbate a few times a day, you’ll want to explore AssParade’s back catalog. Thankfully, the site is well-suited to let you do just that: to start off vides are sorted in chronological order, but you can also change things up and switch to sorting by the top-rated or most-viewed scenes if you’re looking to watch the greatest hits.

If neither of those options works for you, you can also search the titles and descriptive tags attached to each video, so finding something that fits your own unique niche interests shouldn’t be too difficult. Brown Bunnies has simple but powerful tools that let you focus on finding the right video to blow your load too quickly and easily. It’s not complicated, but it doesn’t need to be.

Every single AssParade video also has trailers, just like you see in movie theaters, as well as attached photo galleries that let you preview still images of all of the action before diving into the video itself. Or, if you want a blast from the past, you can even jerk off to the pictures alone. Just grab a Capri Sun and pretend you downloaded the pictures off of Limewire, and the only way you’ll be able to tell the difference from your childhood is the deep existential dread that will wash over you once you cum.

So once that happens, buck up and bury the feelings deep inside with a second round. Once you’ve fallen in love with one of the asses you see, you can follow that girl in particular by using the site’s built-in pornstar search directory.

All of these options are available on the go, too. The mobile version of AssParade’s site is just as good as the desktop version, and you’re not sacrificing any features (aside from screen size). So next time you’re walking in the park and you see a cutie with a booty in a pair of tight yoga pants, you can just duck behind the nearest tree and beat the demons away instead of having to go home and take care of business there. Or, worse, actually attempt to talk to her.

The Soft Parade Has Now Begun

It’s hard to mess up videos that focus on ass. These girls are so attractive that you could just point a camera at them while they walk and I’d be able to masturbate to the video. That’s basically what I look at with my binoculars anyways, so I’m used to it.

But if you’re not quite as easy to please, you’ll be happy to know that AssParade goes above and beyond my incredibly low standards. Yes, the common theme is ass, but beyond that, the sky is the limit when it comes to the variety of content available. You’ll see ass-fucking, pussy-fucking, and even oral (usually with camera angles that give you a bonus view of the ass. You’ll find black asses, white asses, Asian asses. You’ll be able to browse through big asses, bigger asses, and even the occasional medium-sized ass.

The videos are long enough that even guys with the stamina of ThePornDude should be able to blow a load before they end, and guys like me who cum in their jeans at the slightest brush of a woman’s (or man’s) hand should be able to get a few sessions out of each video. And they’re consistently good enough that you won’t have to spend an entire afternoon searching for the right video—just find a thumbnail that piques your interest, and more often than not you’ll end up with a watchable video.

And it’s not just the quality of the women that AssParade nails: the videos themselves are well-shot in full HD. The site is a part of the BangBros family, so it features all the same production values and other benefits that come with a big budget (including but not limited to the budget to hire big-name stars like Abella Danger and Mandy Muse) that you’ve come to expect from premium porn.

Paying The Price Of Admission

I can’t really remember how much parades cost to attend. Do parades even charge for admission? Either way, even if they’re free, I can confidently say that Ass Parade is a better value than any parade on Earth.

If your appetite for ass can be quenched in a single day, they offer a convenient day-pass trial membership that only costs a dollar—and, unlike some sites, the automatic renewal price if you forget to cancel the trial isn’t a rip-off. Instead, it’s the exact same as the regular thirty-dollar per month month-to-month plan, so you won’t have to focus on canceling on time. You can just enjoy the porn while you’ve got it, just as God intended.

If you do want to save a bit more, though, there are two more choices. A three-month membership works out to the equivalent of a crisp twenty-dollar bill each month, while a full year will run you about ten a month.

With each and every membership, including the one-day trial, you have the option of adding on a completely free, no-strings-attached to MyGF.com, too. And just to add to the value, this isn’t a bait and switch either—if you forget to cancel, or even just decide not to, your subscription to MyGF continues at their normal thirty dollars per month rate, too. I know things like this seem basic, but when you’ve been tricked by the allure of tricky porno subscriptions as many times as I have, this type of honesty is refreshing.

The Parade Doesn’t End Here

Everything you get with AssParade is worth it on its own. The price is right, the videos are hot, and the site is easy to use. But they just keep adding on to the value—since AssParade is a member of the BangBros family, you’ll get full access to their entire group of sites, entirely for free, with every single subscription.

That includes golden-age porn classics like BangBus and Backroom Facials, off-brand knock-offs (that are just as good) of other flagship porn sites like Bang Casting and Gloryhole Loads, and lesser-known but equally fantastic BangBros sites like Brown Bunnies and My Dirty Maid.

Altogether you’ll get about thirty additional sites with your membership. Even if you’re paying the most expensive membership rate, that’s one dollar per site PER MONTH. If you don’t think that’s a fantastic value then you just don’t hold porn to be as important as I do. And if that’s the case, I don’t think we can be friends.