Analized

I really, really want to try anal someday. I’ve heard it’s fantastic—just a totally different sensation from any other hole. Tighter than the pussy, more taboo than the mouth, and just all-around a wonderful time.

Of course, I’m probably getting ahead of myself. I guess I should probably experience normal, vaginal sex before moving up to the big leagues. And maybe even getting head first would be a good idea. Or a handjob. Or, fuck, even a kiss would be a start.

How about hand-holding? Or a hug? None of those seem realistically possible for me right now, barring something that might wind me up in prison. Maybe I should just start with eye-contact.

I guess I’ve got a long way to go before I get all the way up to anal.

Though if worst comes to worst, I could probably convince some guy to fuck my ass a lot easier than I could convince a girl to let me fuck hers. Once I get desperate enough, I’ll take it whichever way I can get it.

On second thought, I think that might hurt a bit. Maybe I’ll just stick to anal porn, at least until things change and I start getting PornDude levels of sexual attention. It’s bound to happen, right? It’s only a matter of time, I think.

But until that happens, at least I’ve got sites like Analized. Actually finding a woman who might let me use her butthole is probably a pipe dream, but at least I can live vicariously through these guys.

Spread ‘Em

Analized makes it very easy to find top-quality anal porn. That’s mostly because pretty much every video on the site is fantastic—even if there weren’t a buttload of tools available to delve into these depths, the site wouldn’t be bad, but they go above and beyond by providing you with a myriad of ways to explore the caverns of Analized.

By default, the main page of the site will show you the most recently uploaded videos. While this is a good enough place to start, and you’re not going to find any absolute garbage like you might find on an amateur site with open uploading, I highly recommend that you switch over to “Most Popular” to start yourself off. These videos are the cream of the crop, and the girls here are so hot and so willing to take it up the ass that you probably won’t last more than a few minutes. That is, until you realize how empty and soulless life without porn is, and come back for round two. Or three. Or ten.

Another good option is to look at the directory of models, which can be accessed via the navigation bar at the top of the site. If you’re an experienced porn connoisseur like myself, this method can really show you what Analized has to offer very quickly. Seasoned masturbators will recognize a lot of their favorite names among the Analzied roster—Adriana Chechik, Abella Danger, Riley Reid, and hundreds of other girls have done scenes for Analized. So if you know who you’re looking for, and you know you want to see her scream when a ten-inch dick or two get shoved up her ass, you’ll be able to find her with ease.

There’s also a category system that can be used to find videos, but it’s a bit counterintuitive to access. There isn’t any actual page listing the categories, but each video has been tagged with an average of ten or so, from which you can click to see other videos with similar themes. These range from quality descriptions (like 4K HD), to descriptions of the girls involved (like Latina, Blonde, or Big Ass), to details about how exactly the action goes down (like rimming, facial, or fisting). If garden variety buttsex won’t do it for you, these categories will let you jump to something a little bit more special.

A shocking amount of the videos on Analized are pretty rough. That’s probably a good thing—it lets me more realistically imagine myself as the man involved, because I’m pretty sure that the only way I’m ever actually going to have anal is going to involve me being a bit forceful. Not only that, but there’s a lot of gaping, double penetration, and moaning that bridges the gap between pleasure and pain. Lots of hot stuff that makes these videos of dicks going up girl’s alleys right up my alley.

That being said, if you’re more moral and less desensitized than I am, there are plenty of more romantic videos that don’t involve extreme pain. If that’s what you’re into, I won’t judge.

Bonus Butt Bonanza

If you (somehow) get sick of Analized but aren’t quite ready to get off of the anal train, don’t go running off to pay for another anal porn site. Included with your subscription to Analized are five other anal-themed sites, each of which has its own little niche in the butt-fucking world.

You’ve got Anal Violation, which focuses on a slightly rougher brand of ass fun. Next up is Anal BBC, which features big black cocks (even bigger than my three incher) plowing their way into asses of all colors. The most fetish-oriented of the bonus sites is called Her Gape, a site that has videos that showgirls spreading their most private holes for the general public to see.

Rounding out the list is Teenage Anal (which, predictably, hosts various nineteen and twenty-year-old girls taking it up the bum) and Your Mom Does Anal, which, disappointingly does not actually feature my own mommy getting assfucked, but instead has a host of MILFs and mature women letting guys into their special place.

Convincing Her To Let You Try

As you might expect for a site this good, there’s a price to enter the promised land. The default, monthly membership is a bit pricey—at thirty bucks a month, there are definitely better value sites in the porn world, even among top-quality anal niche sites like this. But, if you’re willing to commit, things get cheaper quickly.

If you’re in it for the long run like I am, with no prospects of ever coming within ten feet of a female butt, you should probably go with the annual package, which works out to just a third of a dollar each day over the entire year. But, if you still haven’t given up hope entirely but still want to save a bit over the basic plan, they also offer a pretty good middle-ground subscription at three months for sixty big ones—which works out to about sixty-six cents a day. Not bad.

And if you’re really unsure about the quality, or if you’re like ThePornGeek and actually have sex but want to jerk off while your girl (and your side piece) are out for the weekend, they also have a two-day trial. This one only costs a dollar, which actually makes it the second most cost-effective plan on a per-day basis.

But be careful—if you don’t cancel your subscription or switch to a different plan before the two-day trial ends, you’re going to get shafted. Analized takes their name to heart here, and you can really get fucked in the ass if you’re not paying attention. After your two days are up, your membership will automatically roll over at a rate of $39.95 a month, which is ten bucks more than their most expensive plan.

I guess that’s the cost of laziness. Mommy has always been telling me that I won’t succeed if I don’t pay attention and work hard, but so far I’m doing fine—aside from the fact that I live in her basement, don’t have a job, have no friends, and will probably never find a girlfriend, things are great for me. That extra ten bucks a month, though—those are real consequences.

All of these plans can be paid for with every major credit card, PayPal, and even gift cards. You won’t get a one-to-one exchange rate, but we all know that a dollar at Analized gets you a lot more bang for your buck than a dollar from Starbucks. Just pick up a jar of instant coffee, and find a way to deal with the fact that you’ll miss out on a few “coffee” drinks that are closer to milkshakes than they are actual coffee. Plus, with all the easy access to caffeine, you’ll get being able to make drinks at home, you can stay up later and spend more time jerking off to Analized. It’s a win-win.