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Naughty Machinima

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naughtymachinima.com

NaughtyMachinima! Video games are great. They’re entertaining, enlightening, and interactive. When you consider how long they last, they’re a better value than going to the movies or going out drinking. I don’t play them quite as often as I used to, but they’re always there for me when I need them. Most importantly of all, they distract me from the bottomless pit of despair that is my life. If I can escape from my virginal loneliness into a fantasy where I’m an alpha-male with muscles the size of ThePornDude, why shouldn’t I? Aside from the fact that my therapist says that I should work on improving myself instead of falling into escapism, but… what does she know? Really the only thing that video games are missing is that you can’t masturbate to them. Well, not easily, at least. I’ve had some very lonely nights where Lara Croft’s pointy tits have been just enough to get me over the edge, but that’s beside the point. The point is that video games are not porn. Thankfully, there’s a subgenre of porn that fits that gap, and you can find it in abundance at Naughty Machinima, a porn site with high-quality computer-generated porn featuring all of your favorite video game characters. Sure, if you’re dedicated enough you can just jerk off while imagining Lydia from Skyrim get fucked by a horse, but if you really want to make that fantasy a reality, Naughty Machinima is the place to be.

A Sweet Show

If it wasn’t for the fact that all of the videos on the site are animated porn featuring video game characters, the site would actually look a lot like a standard porn site. The first thing you’ll see is a selection of videos currently being watched. If your loneliness is especially overpowering and you feel the need to connect with strangers over mutual masturbation this section might work for you, but you’re better off going elsewhere most of the time. Right below that is a list of the most recent videos. I normally recommend against these types of sections, but it’s actually not that bad on Naughty Machinima. I think that’s probably because it actually takes time and effort to generate a CG porn scene, so most people who are willing to put that work in actually know what they’re doing. You can’t just pick up a camera, point, and shoot, so the low end of porn on Naughty Machinima is a lot better than it is on most sites. Still, even if these videos aren’t bad, you’ll most likely want to jump to something a bit higher quality. Click “Videos” up top and you’ll get access to the real heart of the site. The first thing you’ll want to do is switch to viewing public videos only, because unless you’re some alpha-male like ThePornDude who is actually able to make friends, the private videos won’t be accessible to you anyways. I’ve sent numerous friend requests to try to get access to those videos and I only get disgusted responses, but maybe you’ll have better luck. Just to the right of that is a filter based on when the video was uploaded, but far more important is the type of sort that you use: by default, it’s set to most recent, but you can find some really hot porn if you play with it a bit. The most viewed sort will bring all of the good stuff right up front while the most commented view will let you see the most scandalous and exciting of the bunch. You’ve also got the top-rated section, which will let you see only the porn that people actually think was worth their time. Last but not least are the top favorites section, which will present the videos that people love so much that they’ve built a shrine complete with candles and cumsocks to in their closets (not that I speak from experience), and the longest page, which will give you the videos that you can really relax and spend some time on. Just make sure you stay well-hydrated, you don’t want to pass out from exhaustion and have your mom find you on the floor with your pants around your ankles. Not that that’s ever happened to me. Once you choose your preferred sort you can narrow it down by using the categories on the right side of the page. The choices you have when it comes to categories are a bit confusing, though. I’ll get down to complaining about that in a bit, so let’s focus on the good for now: you’ve got a mix of typical porn categories (like “BDSM”, “Masturbation”, and “Girl/Girl”), alongside stuff that’s a bit more out there (like “Tentacles & Robots” and “Dickgirls”), and then a few categories dedicated to specific games or game genres (“The Sims,” “Second Life,” and “MMORGY Except SL”). You can use the filters within these categories, so you won’t just be stuck with whatever selection of dickgirls the site decides to spit out at you. Instead, you can find the premium dickgirls, or the most discussed dick girls, or the longest (( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) dickgirls. The possibilities are endless… as long as you stick to this selection of categories. If you want more specificity you’ll have to search harder for it. There are tags, but they’re not applied very evenly so you might miss something that you would have enjoyed by sticking to tags. What’s worse is there isn’t any sort of listing of tags, so you’re sort of stuck just guessing at what tags videos might use and hoping for the best. The basics are all covered so this isn’t a huge issue, but it would be nice to be able to see a list instead of having to resort to trial and error. Also, something I just want to point out for those who care: there isn’t a category for it, and it might be hard to find, but there’s a lot of porn featuring… furry non-humans on Naughty Machinima. And I don’t mean a bit, I mean a lot. Like, a shocking amount of dog, horse, dragon, and other bestial porn. I guess the fact that it’s all animated side-steps the questionable legality of bestiality porn, so if you’re into that Naughty Machinima might have something for you even if video game porn isn’t your cup of tea.

Confusing Choice of Categories

My biggest gripe with Naughty Machinima is the choice of categories. Yes, I know that Naughty Machinima does have categories, but hear me out. The site has over twenty-five-thousand videos, and I’d guess that at least a thousand different games are represented among them. So why are there only seventeen categories, only two of which actually specifically focus on a single game? If you’re looking for porn of your favorite game, it probably does exist here, but finding it is going to give you some trouble. If you’re lucky enough to be into The Sims or Second Life you won’t have this problem, but say you’re looking for Overwatch porn: there’s plenty of it here, but it doesn’t get its own category. You can search “overwatch,” sure, and this will return slightly over one thousand videos, but not only will this miss out on some of the Overwatch porn that doesn’t have the actual word “overwatch” in its title or description, but you’ll also, strangely enough, see some videos that have absolutely nothing to do with it. To really find everything Overwatch related, you’d have to search the title of the game alongside the names of every single character, and you’d still probably miss some of the videos, not to mention all of the false positives this would bring. A category for Overwatch, and for every other big game that has tons of porn on the site would solve this problem, but you’re shit out of luck. A simple solution would be to expand the categories to about triple the number, to include all of the big games that have tons of videos, but Naughty Machinima hasn’t done that. So, for now, I’m stuck searching “Final Fantasy” when I want to jerk off to Tifa Lockhart and Aeirth Gainsborough, but among them I find that my proverbial pool of masturbation has polluted by unrelated videos with the words “final” and “fantasy” in their titles, descriptions, and tags. Oh well. At least I can still jerk off to those, I’m not picky.