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Flesh Light! Masturbation. Everybody does it, but men have been taught to be ashamed of it. It’s quirky and cute and sexy when a girl has a drawer full of dildos, but when I fuck a male masturbator that has a printed-out picture of my mom taped to it suddenly I’m a weirdo. But you know what? That’s bullshit. I’m not going to let society judge me. Well, I can’t stop society from judging me. I won’t let society’s judgment stop me from doing what I really want to do. And what I really want to do, as usual, is masturbate. So I’m going to buy a whole bunch of Fleshlights. They get a bad rap as being for losers and lonely guys, but that’s not the case at all. Yes, I’m a loser, and yes, I’m lonely, but… well, shut up. They’re fun to use, and isn’t that what should really count?

So Many Holes, So Little Time

You might think you know Fleshlights, but there’s actually an amazing amount of variety and depth to their product line. Yeah, pretty much everyone is familiar with the basic silicone pussy-in-a-can that made them famous, properly known as the “Classic Pink Lady” and priced at a reasonable $69 dollars (haha), but let’s go through their product line to see what else they’ve got. Once you have the standard device, you can buy a variety of removable sleeves to attach to it. These sleeves mimic any orifice that you can imagine, and they also have tons of different choices for interior textures. Next up is the much more minimalist “Fleshskins” line. These are soft-shelled silicone masturbators that are much cheaper than anything else Fleshlight sells, but they’re also of a slightly lower quality. They offer this product in two sizes, one of which is eight and three-quarters inches long, which I assume exists only to mock and shame everyone except for the one-tenth of a percent of people who even have dicks half of that length. If you don’t mind the fact that the hole you’ll be fucking looks like part of a Dyson vacuum, another option is the “Turbo Thrust” line of Fleshlights. These replace the natural-looking entrances of the mainline of products with an abstracted hole meant to mimic the feeling of a blowjob, but not at all the look of the mouth. As a bonus, though, they feel better than fucking a vacuum, and using one of these won’t end with a very embarrassing trip to the ER followed by an even worse trip to the vacuum repair shop. If masturbating into a can on the go sounds appealing to you, you’ll probably want to try the “Fleshlight Flight” and the “Fleshlight Go.” These devices are compact and portable and are marketed as being discreet. That being said, unless your TSA agent has been living under a rock, he’s going to know that you’re going to be fucking either of these, so don’t expect to get through customs without at least a little bit of embarrassment. It’s bad enough when they can’t find my dick during the pat-down, so I’m pretty scared to add to the experience by trying to bring one of these along with me.

Fucking The Future

If you’re willing to pay a bit of a premium, one of their top sellers is a futuristic-looking device called the “Quickshot Launch.” Resembling a spaceship more than any part of a woman, this line starts at $189.95 and offers a luxury fully-automated masturbating experience that a typical Fleshlight can’t match. Once charged up you’ll be able to manipulate more buttons than a universal remote to change up the technique and speed up to two hundred and fifty strokes per minute. It’s like fucking a robot that’s high on coke. It may look less like a real women than your basic Fleshlight, but if you close your eyes it feels less like masturbating and more like having sex. Since I’m not getting laid for real either way, I have to make a choice between visual realism and a more authentic feeling. On second thought, I might as well just get both. It’s always good to keep your options open. They also sell the even more expensive “FleshLight Launch,” which an even more automatic version of the Quickshot. Rather than having a whole bunch of controls that you set, the automation here comes by syncing the device to porn specifically made for the Launch. The idea here is that you can try to immerse yourself in the videos and pretend that you’re actually having sex. The illusion is remarkably accurate, until you open your eyes back up and have to walk through your dank cockroach-infested basement to wash your load of cum out of an appliance that costs more money than you earn in a week. Last but not least among the advanced offerings is the “Fleshlight Vibro.” Though the lowest-tech of the bunch, this toy shouldn’t be overlooked. It’s basically a standard Fleshlight with a ring of bullet vibrators around the edge of the opening. So instead of having to put in all of the work like with their standard toy, the fuckpiece will vibrate to put in a little bit of effort to help you cum. Just like a real woman, right? Right?

Toys For Non-Virgins

I’m hesitant to even mention the next product line, because it’s not something I’ll ever use. It’s called the “Stamina Training Unit,” and the idea behind it these toys is that they’re designed to prepare you for actual real-life sex by making you last longer. I masturbate to cum quick, thank you very much—I’ve never had sex with a real willing person and I don’t expect to any time soon, so drawing out the experience of masturbation seems more depressing and less practical. But, if you’re someone like ThePornDude who is able to convince women to have sex with them, I guess these toys might not be completely useless. Another line that’s pointless for me is the “Quickshot”—it’s basically a Turbo Thrust, but open on the other end. The idea here is that you can use it during sex, so that your partner can play with you through the other end. There are two problems here, though: aside from the fact that I can’t convince someone to have normal sex with me let alone sex involving Fleshlights, I’m definitely not long enough to get through to the other end. For some reason they made this product almost four inches long, rendering it entirely useless for the average man.

But Wait, There’s More!

On top of this multitude of options, Fleshlight sells a huge range of accessories to their products. I particularly like the sleeve warmers, because they help bridge the gap between the loneliness of my actual life and being able to momentarily indulge in a fantasy of willing human contact. The less depressed may not need such a thing, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any accessories out there for you normies. Fleshlight sells specialized lubes and cleaning kits to keep your toys from getting gunked up, as well as mounts to attached either your device to your Fleshlight or your fleshlight to surfaces (like shower walls) in order to enable a hands-free fucking experience. The mounts range from ten-dollar suction cuts to one hundred fifty dollar full-fledged pieces of furniture that you might have trouble explaining to guests, so you’ve got a lot of options here. Even though they’re known almost entirely for their titular line of products, Fleshlight actually sells some toys for women, too. They’ve got metal dildos, glass dildos, and fleshy dildos that are realistic in shape and texture though totally unrealistic in size (I couldn’t find a single one close to the average three inches)! They also sell vibrators and anal toys. But, hey, Fleshlight (often misspelled as "fleshlite"). PSA. In the modern world, butt plugs aren’t a gendered product. We’ve all got assholes, and sticking stuff up there feels good. So maybe don’t put anal toys in your “For Women” section, alright? I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to buy a giant black buttplug that’s labeled as being for women only, but some other guys might not be. But… just in case my mom and dad are reading this, I’m totally not gay. I’m a virgin by choice, not because I’m hiding anything from you. I swear.