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AshleyMadison! The dating world is a tough place for a guy like me. I’m nice, intelligent, and my two-inch dick is average despite what the media will tell you, but girls don’t like a guy like me at first glance. They prefer studs like ThePornDude, even if I’d be a much better boyfriend than he would if I just had the chance. (Don’t tell him I said that though, ok? I think we’re really close to being friends and I don’t want him to think I’m being mean to him). Ahem. My point is that I’m an absolute catch, but most girls don’t see things that way. I use online dating because I can embellish myself and trick girls into a first date a lot easier than I can in person, where they seem to be disgusted with me instantly. I’ve actually managed to swing a couple of dates through dating sites, but none of them have led to anything. Usually, I’ll get a few minutes into dinner before something bad happens. The last date I had ended early when I farted, but honestly—she wanted to get Mexican food, what did she expect? My worst date ended in a restraining order, but on the advice of my attorney, I’m not supposed to talk about that night. But my heart is resilient and I can love again, even if Emily refused my love again and again. I’ll find someone else. I don’t need you. Ever since you bought curtains I don’t think my relationship with her has been working out, anyways. Since the other sites haven’t been working out for me, I thought I’d try Ashley Madison. It focuses on married people who are looking to have an affair, so I thought I’d have a better chance here than I’ve had elsewhere. These women are already having sex with one guy and they’re not satisfied, so they probably love sex about as much as I love masturbating. And besides, despite the fact that I’ve technically been single my entire life, I’m no stranger to infidelity. I’ve read Anna Karenina twice, and I’ve even had an affair of my own. Don’t tell my beautiful sweet pillow, but once or twice when I’ve had a bit too much grape juice to drink I’ve found solace in the arms of a blow-up doll. I’m ashamed to admit it, but a man has needs that can’t be ignored.

Jumping In

Even though the tagline of Ashley Madison is “Life’s short, have an affair” and I’ve never been in a relationship with a human (except for a maternal one) in my entire life, I thought I’d give the site a shot. I’m into married MILFs anyways, and I’m such a catch that I’m sure the girls won’t mind. I figured that I’d sign up and then charm the pants off these girls. If they’re on this site looking to cheat, their husbands are probably assholes too. Once I impress them with the type of sex skills that only someone who has been watching porn daily for over a decade could possess, I’ll show them that I’m such a nice guy and convince them to leave their husbands for me. I just hope what I’ve learned in porn actually transfers to the real world. And I hope I don’t cum too quick… I know I came when the cute girl at the amusement park brushed up against me while putting on my seatbelt, but I’ve grown up a lot since then. That was almost a month ago. When I was signing up I threw in a few embellishments about myself. I managed to take a picture from an angle that hides my rolls and threw my best fedora on so that you couldn’t see that I’m balding. I added a few inches to my height to round myself up to 5’4, and said that my body type was “shapely toned.” Round is a shape, so that’s technically true.

Where Is Everybody?

Once I filled out my profile I started searching for girls to meet. There were a few around me, but not nearly as many as I expected. I messaged everyone within a fifteen-mile radius of me, and by the next day, only one had responded. She sent me a link asking me to download some chat software and said she would meet up with me once I did. My computer obviously doesn’t want me to get laid, because I had to disable the antivirus software to download it. Anyways, I think we’re going to meet up tomorrow. Hold on, my mom is calling me, she’s yelling about how her bank account got hacked… doesn’t she know she needs to keep her password safe? Anyways, you can purchase credits and become a “Priority Man” to get access to a bunch of their premium features. Credits let you send priority messages, requests to open up a chat, and even virtual gifts. I’m not sure why a woman would want a .jpg of a rose, but just in case it might improve my chances I spent a few hundred dollars on sending them to everyone close by. I hope mommy doesn’t mind. Maybe I’ll buy her some real roses to make up for it. Somehow the number of girls that are nearby and looking for sex seemed to nearly triple once I sprung for Ashley Madison’s credits. I asked the site’s administrators about this and they assured me that it was just a coincidence. I’m guessing that word got around that a stud like me was looking, so people started signing up. That’s really the only explanation I can imagine. Some of the girls that showed up after I started paying seem a bit strange, though. Their responses seem a bit canned, and two of them even wrote the exact same response back to me after I introduced myself. I saw a scandal in the news a while ago about Ashley Madison using bots to scam money from the site’s male users, but when I called the Ashley Madison support phone line they assured me that this wasn’t true. I guess it’s just that women are all the same deep down.

Security Concerns

I should warn you—Ashley Madison does not exactly have a stellar track record when it comes to protecting the private data of its users. A few years ago, a huge leak of customer information made the news. Basically, in 2015, the name, address, email address, and credit card information of every single person who had ever used the site was leaked. This ruined a lot of people’s lives: don’t forget that the site was made for cheating on your spouse, so some people were understandably upset when they realized that their wife could now found out what they’ve actually been doing every time they went to the gym on a Friday night. It’s even thought that as many as three people killed themselves after this leak occurred. But I say they’re overreacting: I’m single right now and looooooving it, so what’s the harm in being caught? I guess you lose out on sex with your wife, but that can’t be that bad, can it? Just jerk off like I do. And I use mommy’s credit card for everything, so that’s not a big loss either. Still, I wanted to mention it just in case you’re some kind of privacy nut. If you’re scared that somebody would find out that you’re using Ashley Madison, take precautions. Use a throwaway email address, a fake name, and a prepaid credit card. That way when another leak inevitably occurs you won’t have to sleep on the couch until you buy your wife a .jpg of some roses. For me, the only person that I care about finding out that I’ve been on Ashley Madison would be mommy. Maybe if I leave the tab open she’ll notice and give me a spanking… she said she wasn’t going to spank me anymore since I had an inappropriate reaction last time, but a boy can dream…